The Perfect Pilot
by Concerned Citizen X
Summary: You know how it goes – same old story, quite different Shinji. Instead of righteous and manly, I went with rational and… ugh…I don't really have a proper word to describe Shinji that can say 'fuck' in 20 different languages. :3
1. What are the odds?

What you must know- This is my first attempt at fan fiction, and English is not my first language. If it sucks... well I can't help it.

Evangelion is in good hands - not mine.

* * *

**The Perfect Pilot**

Chapter I - **What are the odds?**

By: **Concerned Citien X**

* * *

It was a tragedy, in sense, yet also a turning point of his life, this time, however, it was only tragedy – his latest, yet most depressing memory, one that child never truly forgets. It was a hazy memory of a damp foggy morning when Shinji Ikari was left completely alone. Only a small fragment emerged from his memory - the image of his father walking away without any given reason, or so he thought at the age of four. He was unsure about the rest, at the time he was completely oblivious to everything, words simply seems non-existent, as they never happened. Even if there was a reason it was still amiss, or at least he thought it was. Years after he still found himself repeating the same question, insatiable, he would always give up. All in all, it was for the best. Why bother with something that's irrational, there was always something better to do than recalling the most painful moments of one's life, something he learned it the hard way. The answer was really simple: because it's part of him – it haunts him. That moment defined him for the rest of his life; he would always be the one who was left behind, never knowing why. Invariably, he was _alone_, from that day onward. Loneliness was an inevitable _truth_ he learned to carry on his back, it was what it was, a part of him. Then why bother with the aimless questions, as he was questioning the existence itself, it had no significance or meaning.

Those were the thoughts of Ikari Shinji.

And then it came back.

Four-year-old Shinji Ikari followed his father through the fog, his small feet barely following the footsteps of the grown man. Stopping, his father turned around and spoke. "Stop where you are!" The boy instantly obeyed, he would always obey no matter what his father demanded. "I already told you - this is goodbye." His eyes started to water again, he still neglected his father's words, simply refusing it as a truth.

"Wait here until your uncle picks you up." His father continued emotionlessly. "You will go with him, understood?"

The boy wanted to protest, he wanted to cry, to ask his father if he was coming back, but he didn't. Instead he just solemnly nodded and froze on the spot, as to show his father that his wish was his command. It was an inner impulse, reassuring voice that deluded him that his father might recognize him as an obedient useful son he always tried to be. He hoped that he would change his mind and take him along, though it never happened. The image of his father's back faded as he observed from the place he was ordered to be at, even when his father was nowhere in sight Shinji still remained still. Doubts never occurred until he realized that the sun came up long time ago and that he was waiting for a long time. He started to cry, it was painfully obvious that he was completely alone under the hazy sunshine, left by father who wasn't returning.

He turned around, though it was in vain. The fog was so thick and obscure that he barely saw his own feet; he could even tell if it was day or night.

After a while he decided to walk, his legs were already shaking and he needed to sit down, after all, he was still a fragile four-year-old. He strolled down the fog, avoiding all the scattered rocks along the way. Soon after, he bumped into a bench by the sign that said _stop_.

Relieved, he sat down. He remained there for god knows how long. The boy was still coming to terms with recent events. It seemed surreal. Everything that happened just saddened him, but mostly that omnipresent gloomy atmosphere that followed wherever he was. It didn't matter where he went, because in the end it would always end the same, so he remained sitting on that wooden bench, waiting for his uncle to pick him up.

Suddenly two bright lights emerged from the fog and soon stopped before him. His first guess was his uncle's car, but saw otherwise. It was a big blue vehicle that he recognized from the TV. He knew nothing of its purpose, and even its shape was funny looking, so he was surprised when its doors suddenly opened. They revealed a middle-aged man on a driver seat with a horrid looking expression and horrifying eyes that were set on the boy. He looked at him as he exhaled grey smoke from his mouth.

"So, are you coming in or what?" The man spat. "I ain't waiting forever."

Shinji gulped in nervousness, this was indeed his first time speaking to stranger on his own. He opened his mouth to explain his standing but found it impossible. He was so shaken that he was unable to produce any comprehendible sounds - it irked the already infuriated driver. He closed his eyes in fear as the middle-aged man barked. "Fuck is your problem kid? Either you fuck _off_ or climb _in_."

This was his first encounter with that demeanor, not to mention that he was never this scared in his life. Only thing he heard was: _come in_ – came to him as an order. His mind was blank and his body acted on its own, next thing he knew he was staring at the full rows of seats filled with unfamiliar people. For his surprise he actually climbed inside, for better or worse.

When he turned around the doors behind him closed, in the next moment ground suddenly shook and they started to move.

Not even knowing why, Shinji started to look for a seat. He continued doing so while looking at the ground, granted, there was nothing particularly interesting there beside litter. Paranoid as he was he avoided eye contacts at all cost, sole thought of what would happen if someone took an interest in him tingled his spine. If everyone's gazes weren't enough there were all those chatters involving his presence. Ignoring it, Shinji proceeded to the back row where he settled at one and only open seat behind two suspicious looking women.

He pulled his legs closer while the two skanky dressed women turned around to observe him.

"Aw, look at this small cutie pie." First woman spoke. "He must be very mature to travel on his own."

The other woman pulled a cell phone from her bag – blue, decorated with glitter. "He is so fucking _cute_ that it's unbearable," She spoke as she took a picture and flashed the young boy. Shinji covered his watery eyes, feeling violated.

Two yankee women found his behavior entertaining, they couldn't help but to tease even more since they found his every action both cute and hilarious. One even dared to pinch his cheek, leaving a swollen red mark from her long nails. Shinji was hardly coping with all the abuse, tapping was bearable but pinching really hurt, all he wanted was to jump into the closest pit, sit and cry his lounges out. Was he asking for too much? Too afraid to do anything, Shinji closed his eyes and covered his face with his small knees.

"Please, leave me be." Shinji pleaded, those were the first words he spoke in a while. Two women stopped for a brief moment, and after exchanging glares they both simultaneously broke into chuckles. Shinji remained passive, in both confusion and fear.

After a brief laugh the first woman exhaled. "Don't worry cutie pie. We won't do anything bad to you." Shinji looked up, still full of doubts.

Second woman nodded. "True that. We only want to play with you, it's not like we are hurting you, kiddo. Loose up and tell us your name. You can call me Onee-san,"

Shinji figured that they might not leave him alone if he ignored them; for once he decided to do something, even if that was only answering - a small change was still a change. He didn't truest them even the slightest, it was obvious that he was their current plaything, that much he figured. All the trust he had died with his father, children simply never forget, and if they can't trust their parents then who can they thrust - surely not strangers.

He hesitated. "I-I'm Shinji…"

"Aww, our little boy can speak." First woman whooped. "Did you hear that sis? He has a voice of an angel."

Second woman nodded. "He is the cutest think I've seen in years. My god, I want one like him."

"Oh like hell you would get one." First woman jested. " Your best chance is to trick your man to cum inside, though I have doubts in that wacko's abilities. If you get what I mean."

The second woman shrieked in horror. "Shut up! Don't act like you're any better, you fucking _whore_. When you get one yourself you can comment, okay? Until you do that I ain't listening to your shit sister, you hear me! As fucked up as you are now you had no right to comment my relationship in the first place. Get it?"

"Like, fuck _off_." Second woman spat, crossing her arms. Shinji noticed a strange accent from her emphasis on _off_. "Gosh, just get off your horse. Just because you have one doesn't necessarily make you better that me, and besides you are really scaring the kid."

It was true - Shinji hated yelling, especially when he was almost involved. Both women observed him with some sense of pity, possibly afraid of making him cry. They used vocabulary he didn't recognize, they spoke in the slang he never heard, they dressed differently than his mother, they were strangers, and his sense of danger finally kicked in. Just now he realized what was happening. He was riding on a bus, not knowing where he was even going, doing it completely alone, no supervision, and on top of that accompanied with two women he didn't know and hoped he never will. It was inappropriate situation for the kid of his age, he suddenly felt an urge to cry for his father, uncle, mother, probably anyone would do fine.

After the women finished their babbles they both turned to now sweating Shinji. First woman tipped his forehead, as to break his daydream. Shinji instantly regained his cool; he jumped behind while still observing the woman that was closing in his face. They had him cornered.

"Don't be afraid kid," The woman cheered. "Your Onee-san was just kidding with her friend. You are cuter when you smile, could you smile for me?"

"That's a good idea," The second woman added, "Now show us your brightest smile, and make your One-san happy."

"_This is the last stop_," Sounded a hoarse voice from the speakers. In the same time the vehicle stopped.

Shinji gulped as he clenched his fists. It was unbearable and he couldn't take it much longer, and he desperately needed some fresh air. The seats were too uncomfortable since it wasn't made for four-year-olds. For both women's shock, he violently stood up and rushed for an exit, leaving them both in confusion. As he passed through the bus he could hear every passenger, every single voice sounded like a drum in his head, every one of them unfamiliar.

Next thing he knew he was in the open, hearing even more voices. He looked around and above, to his horror he was in a place with even more people, every single one of them unfamiliar. Voices came from everywhere, lights flashed in his face, sounds came from every direction, and where was he anyway? He buried his face in his palms. Word why constantly repeating itself in his head.

Tired of everything he started to cry again. "No more, no more, please just no more… someone take me home. I want my mommy!"

Shinji couldn't possibly understand the new world, but the time came to experience it in first hand. Second Impact did its trick on people, changing them forever – everyone was left scarred, and there were no exceptions. From the smallest infants to oldest adults, it came and it took, leaving 2 billion wondering souls to strive as best as they could. People became reserved, selfish, paranoid, and most of all afraid, of both themselves and the world itself. Those were the hard times.

Shinji opened his eyes.

Suddenly everything went silent, as his mind became a blank slate. Next thing Shinji knew all the noise was replaced by smooth jazz. As he slowly removed his palms from his face he noticed that his arms appeared different, indubitably, these were now his present hands – he is fourteen again, and he was in the bar. His head started to hurt as he realized that he just relived one of his long lost memories, again. One haunting memory he managed to forget every once in a while, sadly for him, sooner or later it always cached up, either in dreams or in these kinds of occasions – his occasional daydreams.

Shinji leaned on his chair and frowned. "Oh my fucking Haruhi…"

"Oh my, welcome back kiddo," The man behind the bar cheered. "I thought I lost you there for a second. Have we been daydreaming lately?"

"More than ever," Shinji muttered, eying the bartender. He noticed that he still held that letter, that particular one that turned his whole world upside down. It was a letter from his father, and he detested every inch of that piece of paper. He crumpled it and threw it behind his back.

"Hey, I'll have to clean that later," Bartender spoke, still cleaning his glass. To that Shinji waved in apologetic manner, as he usually did. Bartender called Yoh only chuckled in response, as it was their usual routine. "Don't take it on the letter, what did it do to you."

"Nothing special really," Shinji grunted. "It's just a fucking piece of paper from my so-called father. Could you even believe that fucktard decided to contact me after 10 fucking years? I mean seriously? And what does he have to say – COME, he even showed some shitty decency and bolded the fuck out of those letters, and that's fucking all. Oh wait, he also sent a picture of some porn star… I could swear that it was here somewhere. And really, a letter – this is a fucking 21th century, we use e-mails for crying out loud."

Bartender just laughed. "Come on, don't be shy, and just let it all out."

"Ughhh… such a… ughhh…"

"Deep breaths kid," Yoh half-whispered while waving his rag to send some breeze his way. "At least he called you! Maybe he wants to check up on you?"

"After 10 years? Don't be retarded, I can already imagine him wanting my liver, heart… or even ball."

"So much for happy reunion then," Yoh joked. "Are you sure you want to go?"

Shinji took his time to study the room, granted, he and Yoh were the only ones leaning on the bar, as usual – Shinji appreciated his privacy, as much as he liked to speak his mind out he still hated when other people eavesdropped. "Yep, it's about time I ask for alimentation… I know that the bitch is still alive, Haruhi knows that I would find him sooner or later."

"Oh, come on kiddo, and you are leaving a town only for that? Couldn't you just write response saying: _Suck me off_ and _pay my rent_ or something? You could even use italics. That would show him who's boos."

"You know that I would. " Shinji replied, sipping his juice. "And you know what else; my uncle actually delivered that paper. You know that dickface that lost me when I was a kid; yes that son of a _bitch_. And you know what else, he started to mumble some shit about delivering reports, lying to my father, Mardo-hook-thingy-system-shock whatever and some other bullshit I hardly understood. The guy was stammering the whole time, but hey he continued to speak none the less, or at least before I said some pretty mean words that made him question his sexual knowledge."

Yoh raised his glass. "Well… good for you. Hope he gets what he deserves in near future."

Shinji sighted as he started to nurse his glass. Even if his mind was set his movements were out of place, and it didn't go unnoticed. Yoh instantly recognized that look in his face, like he was looking at his glass but didn't at the same time, and he know Shinji long enough to know that something more was bothering him. "Let me guess. It isn't as simple as that, is it?"

Shinji sighted, he was completely right. It wasn't as simple as that. "It's nothing particular I tell you. It's just that I haven't seen the sunfuck of my supposed father in a long fucking time, and to be honest I don't mind it even the slightest. But he still is my father and I still want to ask him a lot of questions. First off… ughh- "

"Why he dumped you?" Yoh interrupted.

Shinji smiled at his retort. "Exactly. Well, actually I wanted to know if my mother had an affair, though yeah, it's actually the same question, in sense. And it's true about you, isn't it? You really do know everything about everyone in this neighborhood?"

The older man grinned. "What to say kiddo. I'm a bartender, that's what I do. And I especially know your ass. You've been drinking that same old orange juice for the last four years, and I even daresay that I can even read your filthy mind."

Shinji liked when Yoh mimicked the way old people from movies spoke. "Oh, really? What am I thinking right now?"

Smiling, Yoh glanced away from him. "Hmm… porn?"

"Close call… lamas. They're hit on the internet recently, shame that they're extinct. I wanted to touch at least one in my life-time. Oh well, may those nature's retards rest in peace."

"Heh, I drink to that, but more importantly, as you said you want to ask a lot of questions, and I respect that. And I'll also tell you this. The man is probably an asshole, that's no wonder, calling his son in another town, that's just duschy. Who the hell does he think he even is?"

"Don't know, and don't really care." Shinji replied with a smirk. "As far as I'm concerned he could be Pokémon trainer. I'm just going to ask a lot of questions, and to preferably sodomize his anus in the process, actually I'm quite eager to do that…"

Bartender couldn't help but to laugh again. "No putting you off then. Did you say your goodbyes? I'm sure everyone will miss you."

Shinji took another sip. "Yep, I've passed through the neighborhood on my way here. Got my dose of _good lucks_ and _fuck his brains out_s. And actually, you are the last one before I hit the road."

"We are all cheering for you, be sure to give him one extra on my behalf. Oh, and what did the _Hag_ say? I got to hear that one."

"Please, you know that _witch_. You can probably guess?"

"Let me think…" Yoh hesitated. "Well, knowing her, she probably went with: _Get your fucking ass out of my property you piss drinking excuse for a shit. And never come back_?"

Shinji couldn't help himself but to clap. He was impressed. "Wow, you even pulled off her voice. Nice. Though she missed out the last part, and she called me a buttplug, guess she really likes me then?"

Yoh winked. "No doubt about it. I could swear that she was sometimes too protective of you. And don't forget that you can always return if it really sucks there."

Humored, Shinji pulled of 200 yen and placed them on the counter. "Never really planned to stay for long, just enough to get what I want then ditch that fuckface for good. "

"Then good luck, and before you go let me give you some piece of advice." Yoh said as he leaned closer to Shinji. Shinji nodded and repeated the same. "Listen Shinji, Tokyo- 3 is a fucked up place, that much I know. But don't get me wrong, I know that you can take care of your own ass but be _careful_. I've been in the business for a long time and the stories I heard about that place… just trust me kid, keep walking straight and watch your back. I know that you're a good kid, just be yourself and don't be afraid to speak your mind, if you can't live by your own ideals you'll become a someone else's sheep, and you know what I mean by that. Now go, before you miss your ride, if you stay a second more we might get into yet another pointless chat. "He winked as he leaned back.

Shinji smiled as he also leaned back on his chair, he quickly drank the rest of his juice. "Thanks Yoh, and don't worry. Everyone already gave me a bunch of stories and advices. I think I'll manage for a day or two, don't forget I'm coming as soon as I can."

"Be quick will you, and please, before you leave just tell me what gems our dear neighbors spilled…"

Shinji slowly stoop and started to pick his things. "Heh, well first Yamato talked some nonsense about parking spots and hookers, Akira… well what to say, the girl knows her bondage… and my brain censors everything that jack off Yuuko says, so nothing there… the rest surprisingly knew a thing or two, which actually made some fucking sense and was not MA+, but we'll leave that for another time…"

"Hehe, you're gonna go far kid."

Shinji nodded and went for an exit. He did a quick run-through with his stuff, he quickly checked the bag and found everything in place, and same was for his wallet. With his SDAT in his pocket he was ready to go. "Until the next time."

"Be sure, you owe me 500 yen!"

* * *

"If you wat to talk to operatives press one." Female voice from the speakers spoke, for the 45th time. Shinji's nerves screamed from the agony of endless waiting, his ride was supposed to pick him up fifteen minutes ago, as so long there was nothing in sight. Literally, _nothing_, which worried Shinji for quite a bit.

In the booth, Shinji tightened his grip on the phone.

"If you want to… be penetrated by All Gloryholeius press two…" Shinji mimicked. "God this phone lines suck…"

"If you want-"

"-JUST SHUT THE FUCK UP" Shinji shouted as he started to bash the phone-booth.

"If-f… youuu…waaann… beeeep"

"Better!" Shinji exclaimed as he leaned on the thin glass. What was he supposed to do now? Give up maybe? He wasn't that far from that. He hardly imagined himself going to Tokyo-3 in the first place. Sure, he always thought that he wanted to, none the less, he always avoided it. He knew that Tokyo-3 offered more jobs, that conditions were much better, and all necessary things for living. It was just that he grew fond of Tokyo- 2, however knowing that his father wanted to meet him – now that was a good excuse.

Sudden noise brought him from his trance; he quickly blinked and started to look around himself. There was still nothing in sight.

_An earthquake? At this time of the year, splendid_…

Arms folded, he exited the booth, feeling quite irritated at that. Since it was probably an earthquake it would explain his drive's absence, not giving it much thought Shinji decided to look for a shelter.

The moment he looked above something out of order cached his gaze. There was a girl standing at the middle of the crossroads. She was wearing a school uniform, one Shinji didn't recognize, nor ever seen. It was painfully obvious that she wasn't from Tokyo-2. Her hair was light blue, not a normal shade of blue that some blondes glittered on bright light; it was just blue, definitely not normal blonde, he figured. And her eyes, piercing red orbs that went right through him, shaking him on a spot, they were hinting at albinism but Shinji knew better, blue hair was genetically impossible even for albino – she was definitely not normal. One thing was certain: she definitely wasn't from Tokyo-2.

He took a moment to clean his eyes, just to check if she indeed was an albino under too much sunlight. The moment he opened his eyes again she was gone. He blinked again but she was still nowhere in sight. He was scared shitless.

_Right…right… inconveniently disappearing school girl with inconveniently blue hair and inconveniently bloody red eyes… yep I'm seeing things_,

He turned around and chose his direction back home. Maybe he was too paranoid at times but he knew for granted that he never hallucinated. Tokyo-3 could have been a nice place, though Shinji realized that earthquakes and ghastly schoolgirls were obvious signs of bad neighborhood. He could always go next week.

The moment he reached for his bag ground shook so violently that it slipped almost half a meter from his reach. Far in distance a lot of screeching noises could be heard, along with hard thumps that could've easily be debris of massive size. Shinji gulped, if this was an earthquake it was really serious one, it could even be stronger than five degrees.

Shinji hated surprises, he even hated when someone stood in the same room when he spoke to someone, and this surprise was so mind-blowing that he couldn't help but to scream his lungs out in the way overly exited schoolgirl would. He was once again frozen on the spot.

Shinji's heart stopped for a moment as he observed the giant black behemoth moving through the streets. It was huge, 70 meters at least from his perspective. Oversized beast continued to walk in his direction, shattering all the buildings it passed by in the process. Shinji remained still as the debris flew in each direction, raising a giant fog upon the impact - which completely blurred the vision on giant's bottom half. With eyes wide open he observed as the beast came maybe 7 or 8 meters from his location. If it wasn't for the sudden eruption of gunfire Shinji might have remained frozen and certainly died. The sounds of missiles exploding over the behemoths body pulled him out of his trance - he was back to his own self.

When the realization hit him again he paused, then he looked up, looking back down he nodded, then he turned, started to scream the girly way and run for his life.

"IT'S A FUCKING GODZILLA! RUN, GODZILLA IS REAL!"

Waving his hands in all directions he continued to run down the street. Not giving a much thought about all the chaos that was spreading. As he passed the rockets flew above, slamming into the giant.

"FUCK, FUCK, FUCK, FUCK, FUCK…" He repeated as the giant bits flew everywhere around him. It wasn't just running – it turned into avoiding all the obstacles that were scattered along the way. He pressed further, clumsily avoiding all the incoming rock/glass pieces of the ruined buildings. He managed to find a road.

As he ran, a moving blue car from opposite direction cached his gaze. He couldn't determine if he was relieved or even shocked that he actually could survive, or he was simply amazed that he would survive by being saved from imbecile who was driving straight at the giant. Either way he barely cared, only thing that came to his mind was how to find a boat, drive to isolated island, climb on the mountain, then burry himself in the ground.

Shinji stopped from exhaustion. He was already panting and sweating like he ran a marathon and the car was still driving in his way, even speeding up. The thought of being road-killed passed through his mind since the driver showed no signs of stopping. He closed his eyes, bracing for the impact, but the blue car somehow managed to violently stop just an inch from collision. The darkened glass went down, revealing a purple haired woman in her late 20s. She popped up from the window and raised her sunglasses. "Are you Ikari Shi-"

"- OPEN THE FUCKING DOORS!" Shinji screamed at her face.

Taken aback the woman quickly did as was told. "Jeez, I'm on it. BUT, are you Ikari Shinji. Seriously I'm on a miss-"

"-DRIVEEEEEE!" Shinji interrupted as he slammed the doors behind himself.

Misato quickly hit the pedal, the car just barely avoided the 4 meter foot that was aiming right at them. She spun the car few times and clumsily placed them back on the road, leaving the giant to play with the aircrafts and artillery that was coming in his way.

_I'm going to get in deep shit if I picked up the wrong kid…_

She started to inspect the boy. To her, he looked casual. He was wearing a normal black V shirt, along with normal blue jeans and white shoes - The perfect example of normal kid, except for the fact that he was panting and mumbling incomprehensive words in his chin. Granted, the situation asked for it, though in her reports she read that Ikari Shinji was phlegmatic to excess. She began to worry that she really did pick up the wrong child.

"Um… I know that this is a bit shocking and all, but can you please tell me if you're name is Ikari Shinji by some accident?"

The boy looked up directly at her, swat still poured down his face, a mixture of mad and confused all over his face. "Are you _fucking _kidding me? There is a giant ass fucking Godzilla playing Tetris with the city and you don't give a rat's ass about it? Yes, I'm fucking Ikari Shinji if you must know – the only brain-dead retard that went on holidays on monster attack day. Pleasure to meet you."

Leaning further from berserk kid, Misato waved her hands. "Ugh… pleasure to meet you…"

_At least I picked up the right kid… I probably read the wrong metal profile… Ritsuko probably got it wrong… even she makes mistakes here and there…_

"LOOK AT THE FUCKING ROAD!" Shinji screamed as he grabbed her arm and swung the wheels away from immobile car in their way. "Dear Haruhi, are you trying to kill us… "

"Hey, I'm an expert in driving. And you know you could thank me for change, since I picked you up and all that." Misato informed as she stabilized the car.

"Y-You were LATE. I almost _died_ because of it," Shinji hissed. "Oh don't tell me… my dear father sent you…"

"Misato Katsuragi, at your service," She replied with a silly smile. "I got a little lost there… I swear I was just the minute past the clock."

_Definitely a wrong mental profile… shy, reserved, easy to control… my ass._

"Wait a second… you look like that cleavage lady from the picture…oh fuck… just don't tell me that he sent you to pass the big news or something similar…" Shinji responded in disbelieve. "I have to stomach a giant fucking monster, fine, it's not like my view on life, universe, reality and philosophy are turned upside down. BUT if you tell me that he called me to participate in his wedding I will seriously jump out of the car."

"Oh god NO," Misato exclaimed. "It's nothing like that, I am a Major. We work together that's all."

Shinji took a moment to calm down. He sighted. "And why would he call me then, if I may ask?"

"Umm… look that's classified, sorry."

"Hmmm…" Shinji hesitated. "Well then, let's see how far I am. You obviously work for my father since he is the type of fucktard who doesn't have a bit of decency to pick me up by himself. Then you said that you are a major, which means that you are both in military. You didn't react to that monster, heck, you drove straight at it - which makes me thing that both you and my father knew about that thing before it even came, heck, I could get myself evolved in some pretty serious shit. OR, you could just be the world's biggest carefree airhead retard that just happened to not-give-a-fuck about any of it. I wonder…"

_Dam it the kid is sharp…_

Misato rubbed the back of her head, making a silly face, "Well… yes we did know abou-"

"-which means that fuckface could warn me that THE FUCKING GODZILA would attack my god damn city. You know what - bullshit! I just can't believe it. No seriously - fuck this, everything is just too insane. My father is probably the biggest cunt in the galaxy and there is fucking monster destroying Tokyo-2, and maybe even killing few people I know, or already did. Maybe you wouldn't believe but that would piss me off so badly that I might just kill something. "

Misato gulped. "Emm… Shinji? Why did you come here exactly?"

Shinji exhaled to calm himself down. "Child support,"

_Oh my… this will be very interesting._

"That's… great… yeah…" Misato stuttered. "Good luck with that."

_I'm never having children..._

"And let me ask one important thing, okay? What the fuck was that thing?"

"We call it Angel…" Misato replied.

"Oh, how fucking ironical. This shit is just too good to be true. We could as well call it Penny or Juliet… "

"Hey, it's not like I picked the name."

Shinji sighted. "I'll need few moments of silence to get something straight in my head. If you don't mind…"

Misato shrugged. "Beats me…"

As they drove a laud sonic wave passed above them. Misato pushed the break and quickly opened the window. Shinji loudly complained about the sudden stop while she reached for her binoculars. It was exactly as she feared - those were the aircrafts carrying an N2 mine.

Misato quickly grabbed the boy and pulled him in the tight embrace, Shinji on the other hand, screamed in protest. He found it extremely uncomfortable being engulfed by the female legs, second after, something soft pressed on his back. He felt awkwardness pass through every inch of his body, not to mention the bright red blush all over his face.

Misato tightened her grip, as she also ducked lower to brace for an impact. In the next moment, a great shockwave slammed into their car, while smoke engulfed it completely.

Black image.

* * *

Misato slowly opened her eyes. She found the sunlight painful to her eyes as she slowly adjusted to it. As she tried to move she cringed from the sudden pain in her back. Now fully aware, and with the clear vision of her surroundings, she noticed that she was outside of her car, lying on the sand. She noticed that fumes flew from her precious car, which was sadly, by a chance, upside down.

_Wonderful._

Suddenly it hit her. Where was Shinji? As painful as it was she pressed on her shoulder and turned on the side. He was not near the car, thinking about it – she was outside. He must have carried her out. She spun around and finally caught his position. He was fanatically walking in the circle, holding a cell phone.

"Answer... answer… answer… "He repeated, feeling completely paranoid. He continued to move in the same circle, repeating the same thing over and over. His desperation was obvious, ground was deepened by number of times he circled, Misato figured that he did that for a long time. Shinji's eyes were tearing up. What if someone died, if one of his classmates died, if his neighbor died, if Hag died, if Yoh died?

"ANSWER DAM IT," He shouted at his cell. Observing the giant burning mess of the city, he started to wonder if at least anyone he knew is still alive. He already dialed all the numbers he had, none answered. And on top of everything, the beast wasn't dead.

Misato realized what he was going through. It would be best to leave him be for a while, though the thing was that she was still supposed to deliver him. Mission is still mission, as she was about to speak up Shinji's phone rang.

"Hello!" He shouted. "Are you… oh thank Haruhi… nothing really… really, good to know… oh so you're in a tunnel… underground shelters… yeah of course I knew that… NO, I was just curious… shut up…. I hate you… I hate you so much… yeah _fuck_ you too. Bye." He hanged up and sighted in relief.

He looked back at Misato. "Shit, are you ok?" He asked, rushing at her side. "Don't move, ok? You got pretty fucked up."

_He is actually quite caring person._

"Oh, don't worry kiddo. Just give me a few seconds." Misato replied, standing up with Shinji's help. "Oh god my back… ughh."

"You sure?" Shinji asked, holding up her back.

"Yeah, definitely." Misato replied with painful expression. "I'm more worried about my car. It looks even worse than usual. We'll have to turn it over."

Shinji nodded.

"Say Shinji, did you call your girlfriend? You sounded quite lovely…" Misato teased to break the gloomy mood, though she didn't expect to be blown off by middle finger.

_Definitely not cute._

After a series of pushing they managed to turn it over, though car still looked unable to drive. Misato claimed that it's always like that but she failed to start it.

"What a piece of crap," Misato yelled and she punched the hood. "It's dead for good. We might as well take a nice walk."

Shinji sighted. "Let me try," He opened the hood and inspected the interior. "Oil dipstick is stuck, alternator suck and air cleaner is dirty. Indeed. What a piece of shit."

"Hey," Misato exclaimed. "Only I can call it shit, and it's not. It's just old. And can you seriously fix that?"

"I'll try."

Misato observed as he started to work. "Where did you learn that?"

"I'm usually dealing with home repairs, though I know few things about cars. It's quite similar… I guess."

"I don't really think it is," Misato wondered. "Where did you learn that stuff anyway?"

"College, obviously,"

Misato was taken aback. "You went to college, age 14? Seriously?"

Shinji look at her with wonder. "You know about that quick education program government issued? The one where capable 10 year-olds can attend collage… you know rebuilding of society after impact. All the laws government brought? You didn't know? Where the hell do you live?"

"Ughh…not really," She admitted. "I didn't even know that there was collage for domestic repairs…"

"Well, there actually isn't one."

"Then how?"

Shinji sighted. "You ask a lot of questions, you know? It's fucking annoying. I learned it after I dropped from college. O.K?"

"Why did yo- sorry…" She apologized. "We just met after all, didn't we? If you like to keep things to yourself, it's o.k., I'm completely fine with it. I already know what I need to know about you."

Shinji eyed her. "Oh really?"

"Leave the sarcasm. After all I am tactician, believe it or not. And I always know what's important – that you have the dirtiest language I've heard in a while, very short temper, no manners or any sense of respect for your elders. BUT, you are surprisingly determined, gentle and caring, and that's enough for me."

Shinji chuckled. "Want to hear your own mental profile? I can point exactly 10 of your positive and 40 negative traits, along with some predictions."

"I'd rather not. I'd like to keep a good image of myself."

_What exactly did you study again?_

Shinji sighted. "Oh, whatever. I'm done. Let's try it out."

For Misato's surprise, it worked like a charm. They successfully managed to get back on the road and continue to Tokyo-3, trailing the tailgates behind.

* * *

"I could swear that we already passed this way a few hundred times…" Shinji complained.

Misato grunted. "Don't worry, Shinji-kun. I have everything under control. My woman intuition is guiding us."

_I have no idea what I'm doing. These corridors always looked the same no matter how you look at it._

"It's good to know that you're an expert tactician." Shinji joked. He didn't mind it very much. He was more concerned about their surroundings – NERV. He detested the place the moment they entered the gloomy looking complex. He hated the atmosphere of the place. It was more of an institution than military organization. They passed a lot of people in white medical coats, some of them probably doctors and technicians and the rest scientists. He was starting to wonder if there even might be any soldiers except for guards who didn't look like it.

Right before them, doors suddenly opened to reveal a blonde scientist also in her late 20s possibly 30s, Shinji couldn't tell. She came directly in front of Misato.

"You're late," Blond woman scolded.

Misato rubbed the back of her head. "Sorry Rits-chan. We had some issues on our way here."

"Is this the Third Child?" Blonde woman asked, ignoring the Major.

Shinji gave the woman a puzzled look. _Third Child? Da fuck?_

"Yes, he is." Misato confirmed. "And you got me surprised Ritsuko, you accidently mixed reports. It's surprise to see you make mistakes."

"What are you talking about? I didn't mix anything, though it IS you after all. Who knows what you did." Ritsuko replied. "Now, you are the Third Child?"

Shinji could already tell that he won't like the woman. It was something in her cold demeanor that he didn't' like. "Yes, whatever that is. I'm Shinji, pleasure to meet you, Doctor Ritsuko Akagi."

"It's wonderful to finally meet you Shinji Ikari. You must be Commander's son."

Shinji instantly started to hate the way she spoke to him, like he was an 8 year-old. "No matter how much I deny it… still tragically true, though I am considering a name change. SO, can you take me to the bastard? We have a lot of paperwork to do."

Shinji noticed that Doctor seemed shocked, as did Misato. Doctor Akagi coughed. "Misato, are you sure this is Ikari Shinji?" She whispered.

_Wow, what a bitch. Doesn't she get that I can hear her_…

"Yeah, he is," Misato replied, giving a doctor quite surprised look.

Blonde doctor coughed again. "Well then, Shinji. I'll take you to see your father, though I have to show you something before that. The reason you were summoned here."

Shinji raised an eyebrow. "I really don't like surprises. Not to mention that my brain is barely coping with all the Godzilla thingy… if it will cause me heart attack we should seriously skip it."

Doctor Akagi gulped. "I-It's nothing of sorts… m-maybe a little…"

"Then how about skipping all that unnecessary bullshit and telling me what it is?"

"I am instructed not to…" Doctor replied, lamely.

"Oh really?" Shinji wondered, giving the doctor a quite irritated look. "Well then, overly-mysterious doctor, reveal me your secrets. Lead the way"

Doctor cringed - both Misato and Shinji noticed how nervous she actually looked. "This way," she showed.

* * *

Face-palm. Face-palm. Face-palm. Face-palm. Face-palm. Face-palm. Face-palm. Face-palm.

Both Misato and Ritsuko expected that he would be surprised. Instead of that, Shinji appeared to be infuriated, to excess. It's a rare scene to see nerves popping out on someone's temples.

"it's humanity's last hope," Doctor hesitated. "It's a man-made humanoid battle machine…Evangelion."

The boy kept his shaking hand over his eyes - he spread his middle fingers to look at her directly with his wide opened eye. "And it works on platypus semen, right?"

"That is corre- wait…"

"Let's just get this clear shall we…off all things, dear Haruhi, of all fucking things to battle a fucking monster… oh just NO. You could make a giant FUCKING CANNON, DEADLIEST MINE IN THE WORLD, PROTON BLASTER, MOST POWERFUL TANK, A NUCLEAR SPACE TANK, OR EVEN DIGIMON… fuck that, even lightsaber would make more sense. But INSTEAD, you made a giant 60 feet tall robot, which defiles all laws of physics, and surprisingly fails to crush itself from on own weight… splendid. Now I'll ask this… am I fucking right?"

Doctor gulped, as did Misato. She was for some reason very nervous, which was quite visible to everyone. "Firstly it was designed in the mos-"

"-SHUT THE FUCK UP. I'M SICK AND TIRED OF YOUR FUCKING BULLSHIT! AM I FUCKING RIGHT!?"

"You are correct!" Doctor replied, instantly. She had to look away to avoid the most death emitting stare that was set on her, and so did Misato, who felt a bit relieved to know that it wasn't directed exactly at her.

Wide opened Shinji left a small frantic chuckle. "I-I need to know one more thing… oh fuck it I actually want to ask shit ton of things… though there is just that… that tiny possibility… that small irrational, almost impossible little thingy that I would like to know… or assume… now… please, and when I say please I mean PLEASE.. Don't… Don't tell me that you… by any chance in the world… any fucking possibility….would you like me to pilot this…because that would be ridiculous, now wouldn't it?"

Both women found no strength to answer that question. They might as well do it when armed guard accompanied them, now, when Shinji was glaring daggers of death their way – no.

"That is correct," came a voice from above.

Shinji slowly shifted his death glare to the source, and so did the 2 women.

"Now then," Shinji spoke with spite. "Who the FUCK are you?

* * *

**END OF CHAPTER ONE**

* * *

I noticed how authors like to include whole back-story in the first chapter whenever they do a redo with OOC Shinji – I really don't want to do that. I just think that it would be more interesting this way. And I hope it was.

I don't even know how I got this idea... who knows. I know that probably 1000 people did the same shit... thought I'd still like to do my own version.

Well that was all from me. Please review. Cheers!


	2. It got worse

**The Dastardly Muffin** – As far as my military knowledge goes… ughh… anyway, when the time comes I'm having her downgraded into cafeteria lady.

**Blitzsthrahl** – Kudos to this guy for reminding me that I have to point out that Eva is not 60 ft tall… though Shinji (his POV, scene) saw only top part which I though is only 60 ft. Sorry if this brought confusion.

**Zenosyke**, **Mo Eazy** – Fabulous reviews. I'll definitely keep it in mind. Kudos.

And ofc, thanks everyone for reviews and favs. I didn't really expect this much positivity, and I really appreciate it a lot. I noticed that I've made so much grammar mistakes that it's ridiculous.

**Important** - So I've researched those internet grammar wizards or beta readers… sup… and I absolutely failed to get myself one… I don't know if they all ignored me but they all did… I sent a lot of applications and no one answered… so, if there is anyone interested please contact me!

I didn't really expect to receive so much positive feedback on comedy… glad you like it. Keep in mind that this fic is not comedy… though I will put that genre…

I don't own Eva…since I lost the bill.

There will be shitty grammar here, but I WILL revise it once I get beta reader…

* * *

**The Perfect Pilot**

Chapter 2**: It got worse.**

By**: Concerned Citizen X**

* * *

Misato was the first one who wanted to protest, to tell at least something to back up Shinji, though situation was too delicate for her to intervene.

The mood was very foreboding ever since the tense silence swallowed the whole commanding office, together with the dim cargo. The only noise that could be heard came from grunting young boy in the centre of Evangelion station. For a long suffocating period everyone ignored the Angel that was coming closer by seconds.

Just a second ago Commander Gendo Ikari or NERV revealed his identity to the boy who, for everyone's surprise, remained calm, or better to say, didn't react as everyone expected. He just bowed his head, allowing his forelocks to cover his face, raised his finger and whispered: "Give me a second."

They all watched Ikari Shinji, the new boy who looked more like grenade with released safety clip than human, all waiting for his reaction in anticipation. His face was bowed, though it was clear that it was convulsing, he spoke incomprehensible words in his chin, which appeared to be curses, and bobbed back and fourth while flexing his arms. He was going to blow.

In the spur-of-the-moment some even mumbled to each other, incoherent facts, hoping to break the grim atmosphere. The boy left them all breathless when he clapped his arms and grunted loudly. To everyone's surprise the boy remained still for a while then simply looked up and sighted, exhaling all of his stored air. He appeared to be perfectly tranquil, which relieved few but also disappointed some.

_Keep calm Shinji. You can do it. You prepared for this moment for a long time. Don't get his hillbilly beard distract you. You mustn't blow, you mustn't' laugh. _

"So," Shinji hesitated, looking at the railings above. "You're my dad, huh?"

Gendo, who remained content for the whole time nodded.

_That beard._

Shinji cringed. "Let's just get this clear. You want me - teenage boy without any combat training or experience whatsoever, to pilot this huge ass robot, instead of trained professionals, military men or Schwarzenegger look-alikes… me? To battle a giant 200ft pile of walking murder? …Why exactly?"

"You are the only one who can pilot it. Only children can pilot Evangelions." Gendo informed, turning to the commanding bridge. "Prepare the docking cambers. Our pilot is here."

_Are you fucking kidding me?_

Shinji swallowed, his nerves became visible again as the anger rose up. "Wait a minute," He shouted, setting every gaze on himself again. "First off, this was not a fucking plausible explanation, and what made you think that I'll accept this nonsensical proposal? Kids pilot giant robots? Do I look like I have brain damage? Even if that made any sense, you still had like, 10 years to prepare me, and you call now? Dear fucking Haruhi, does any of this make sense to anyone?"

Shinji looked at the two women close to him. None of them responded. Misato looked dumbfound as he was. She made a silly face and rubbed the back of her head. On the other hand, Doctor Akagi remained calm.

_The bitch knew._

"One more thing," Shinji spoke, looking back at Gendo. "Let's just ignore all those biblical revelations and focus on the reason why I'm here. You want to tell me that you abandoned me for 10 years, without giving me anything - no money, clothes, shelter or even a fucking goodbye. And suddenly when you felt like it you just decided to call, just to make me pilot your fucking robot, which can apparently be piloted only by me? Is any of this true?"

"Everything is correct," Gendo retorted. "I found a purpose for you, thus you are useful to me again. Either you will pilot or get out. NERV has no business with childish brats."

As soon as the last word stopped echoing through the room another suffocating silence swallowed the room.

Misato felt that, everyone from railing crew to command bridge felt that, even Ritsuko Akagi twitched a bit, for some reason. They all looked at now forlornly looking teenager. People of NERV always thought that commander Ikari was extremely cold and cruel person, in joke some even spoke of him as atrocious being from another planet. Now they were not even sure. These were not some transparent lies, far from that; the man never seemed to joke in his life. They all realized the hard truth behind that fuming young boy, and the rage finally made sense.

"Okay," Shinji spoke, controlling his voice. "You want me to leave, sure, I'll leave. I got what I wanted anyway. Maybe I did want your money, or at least anything that could redeem you. I'm not even sure myself. Though seeing you as you are – just forget it. I don't need anything from you, screw that, I'd rather _die_ than take anything from you. Seriously, I have no words for you – I am speechless. You make me sick, so sick that I can barely keep my voice controlled, but it's not just you. Every single person in this facility, who makes robots that can only be piloted by children and don't give a rat's ass about it make me sick. You all make me sick. Don't throw your responsibility on me… pilot your own robots and leave me out of it!"

Shinji bowed his head and turned for the exit.

"So, you are running away?" Gendo asked, his tone implying disapproval.

"No, I am NOT. And why do you even care? It's not like your ego is big enough to survive the apocalypse. "

No response, only silence.

Only sound that could be heard was the echo of Shinji's footsteps. The boy was walking to the elevator, not even bothering to look at all the people starting in his way. No need for unnecessary eye contacts. The Angel was their problem, not his, and so was piloting. It all sounded too absurd - robots, Angels… he didn't belong to this world. He moved onwards, trying not to think about it too much.

"Shinji, wait," Ritsuko called. "You don't understand. If you don't pilot it the whole world will be destroyed, not just us, but the whole world, think about it for a second. Could you really live with that?"

Shinji's nerve twitched. He was definitely right – he hated that blonde. "And could you live with the fact that you send kids into death? That you successfully made fist mecha that defiles laws of physics, but in the same time made the shittiest mecha in the world that defies laws of physics. It's not my problem. It's your problem, your responsibility. Deal with it, make another one and try again. The world doesn't simply fall by destruction of one facility, just run and make another one. It's as simple as that."

"No, Shinji you don't understand-"

"-And how the fuck can I," Shinji retorted. "You gave me no answers at all, just ass-pulls, all you ever told me clearly was to pilot this piece of _shit_. Do you people even know what you're doing? You should be abhorrent to this, what is your problem?"

Doctor bit her lip and backed off. This was as far as she could go without breaking any NERV protocol. It wasn't like she didn't feel any empathy, though the kid made it hard for her. She couldn't stand to hear her life work being bashed in front of her, but she was rational woman, she understood his point of view. She couldn't help it but to keep her mouth shut and prey for divine intervention.

In the same time Gendo, who didn't even flinch on his son's outburst opened the communication intercom. "Wake up Rei, quickly. Our spare is useless."

"_But sir, she is still injured_." came a rough old voice from the other side.

"Well, she is not dead?" He retorted. "Get her on the line."

"_Yes sir_." came a brief reply. The new blurry image popped on the screen.

"Rei?"

"_Yes, commander_?" New, soft voice sounded from the screen.

"You are needed, our spare is useless. Go to Unit 01's container immediately and try again."

"_Yes sir_."

Shinji felt humored. He came all the way to be threaded like this? They didn't even need him in the first place, though it didn't stop them to tell all those lies. He started to loath them even more, how can they even look in the mirror was beyond him. Without much thought, he moved on.

Misato was next to come in his way. "Shinji wait," she pleaded. "Don't run away from your father, or above that, from yourself."

_Wut?_

"First off, I'm _not_ running away," He responded, looking disinterested. "Second, what's up with that line? Soap operas? So please, in favor of not making this more dramatic as it is and not pissing me off to excess you should back off. I've made my mind already."

_Paco and Roberta, my favorite._

She shook her head and moved in front of him, cutting him off from passage. "Listen, Shinji. I might sound selfish, and I can't deny it I _am_ selfish. Delivering children at battlefield makes me equally sick. Me delivering them to battlefield makes me even sicker but can't you understand what is happening here? We are in the middle of war, and war takes its victims. Our enemy won't stop after we are destroyed, it will only bring more consequences for the whole world. And you may not even realize how grave this situation really is, to be honest neither do I, but what choice do we have anyway? We either do what we have to do and think about it later, or die not doing anything. If you condemn us it's the same as condemning yourself and the whole world with you. Can't you realize that? Come on kiddo, I believe you could do it if you really wanted. Just do it for yourself."

Shinji received her words in awe; he was taken aback enough to take a step back. He gulped, looking up to eye the woman before him. He inspected her expression. The woman managed to hold determined look even with those teary eyes, she looked honest to him.

Maybe the anger and confusion that swirled in his head really did interfere with his reasoning. He started to doubt his blunt decisions. He was rash, he never really thought his through. He didn't even blame himself, it's not like they suddenly broke it to him in 30 minutes or anything. Maybe he really was just childishly neglecting the needs as they told him. Ignoring the immense fear he felt, the only good reason why not to pilot was because of their lack of information and their approach. If it really was all true, then he really was ditching the people, he was actually leaving them defenseless against the giant monster.

Then he remembered.

"And what about your other pilo- iiiii..."

Before he could finish the medical team broke into the room, escorting the screechy metal gurney with the girl he remembered seeing somewhere before.

_Oh fuck my life…_

To his surprise it was the same blue haired schoolgirl he saw on the station, though now her outfit was very different, not to mention that she looked like she came from a very bad car accident. She wore something that appeared to be white sleeveless latex suit. Together with all these blooded bandages and eye patch she reminded him of certain video he came across in one of his many internet adventures. More he inspected her the more she crept him out.

The ground suddenly agitated and broke everyone's balance, making Shinji kiss the ground with his forehead. The people immediately started to quaver all sorts of nonsense – target position, damage measures and other things Shinji could barely derive from the whole mess. As he looked up he noticed that the girl was squirming on the ground, twisting from the pain of the impact, and maybe from her wounds. Without giving it much thought, he got up and rushed to her side.

He quickly slid to her position to help her out. Slowly placing his arm on her back he managed to support her into sitting position. As he tried to pick her up he noticed the blood on his palm, he started to worry.

"L-listen a-are you ok," He stammered, while both quaking and lifting her up clumsily. As he pulled her up she twitched and hissed from the pain, making him stop instantly.

_Giant monster is coming, money is flying everywhere, I need to pee, there is this creepy girl here, everyone is shouting, I NEED to pee, shit is getting real, I'm gonna die, I'm gonna miss Haruhi, my parents never loved me… whoa…whoa…whoa… she is cute._

Another explosion stroke threw them off balance, sending all sorts of debris right in Shinji's way. He reacted on instinct; he closed his eyes, pulled the girl tighter and screamed in high pitched tone.

Nothing.

He could still feel his limbs. He moved again, and to his surprise he realized that he was still alive. He half opened his right eye only to see that there was certain something blocking his sunshine. His jaws dropped.

"What just happened?" Doctor Akagi shouted at the command centre.

"_Unit 01 moved on its own, apparently_..." came a female voice from the bridge.

"That's impossible, units can't move by themselves." She protested, packing herself up.

Misato did the same, the moment she pulled herself up pain in her back returned. She cursed in her chin and turned to the pilots. "Are you guys ok?"

Shinji gulped, and then turned to face the woman. "Yeah, I'm like… alive. Splendid! I guess this purple one really likes me… And you know what; this is one of those situations where good answer just… doesn't exist… yeah it's totally that. It's like caveman-midget-gay-porn… nobody knows why it exists…or why somebody did that… yeah, the same shit…"

"Uh huh," Misato replied, puzzled, disturbed.

Shinji just nodded, fanatically. Then he finally realized that he was still holding that blue haired girl. He quickly shook his head to clear his mind, and slowly held her up and placed her back on the gurney.

_Nice one Shinji, scream like a girl, and babble bullshit so she can see how brave and manly you are… wonderful. _

"Are you hurt?"

_Of course she's hurt you fucking imbecile_.

"I-I'm okay…" She replied in pained tone, which worried Shinji.

Shinji sighted. "Good. Just don't move. Um, not like you can move or anything… ughh…anyway just lay there and do your damsel in distress thingy. I'll take care of this shit for you,"

_I am?  
_

"What was that Shinji," Misato shouted. "Did I hear that right?"

Blue haired girl blinked in confusion.

Shinji frowned, and then scratched his head. "Just a second,"

_Am I really doing this shit? Oh well, I don't have much choice do I?_

He sighted. "Um, yeah. Since your pilot looks like chewed-up shit… wait," He eyed the blonde girl. "It's not like I think you look like shit or anything, its figure of speech and… yeah, you look pretty- I mean… oh whatever…" He turned back to the older woman. "ANWAYS, I'm doing it. But don't get me wrong, I'm doing it only because she would die… and this time only."

_Nice, make her believe that you are doing it for her_…

"Very well," Gendo spoke from above, with the sly smile on his face. "Prepare Unit 01."

"Hey, you bearded… cunt, "Shinji shouted at the man, though whispering the _count_. "I changed my mind. I want your bastard money. You got that? I want provisions, insurance, child support and everything there is to offer to standard pilots? Is that clear?"

Gendo felt humored, it wouldn't bother him even if he asked for million. "You will get your money."

"Good. And don't forget, this is one time only." Shinji replied, looking back at the surrounding people. Both Ritsuko and Misato gave him a nod of approval, and the girl on the gurney remained silent as always.

Shinji leaned closer to the bandaged girl. "Look, I know you're in pain and all, but could you give me some advice or something. This is kind of life and death situation we have here, and I don't know jack shit about piloting. So, could you tell me some tricks or something? "

The blue haired girl slowly nodded. "You need to…" Then she hesitated, twitching a bit.

"Just take your time," Shinji spoke, worryingly. "It's not like something huge is coming to murder and possibly even eat us."

"You have to… open..."

"I have to open?" Shinji asked in anticipation.

"You have to open your…"

"My…"

The girl swallowed. "Heart… you need to open your heart to your Evangelion."

"..."

"Uh HUH?" Shinji hesitated. "…That's everything?"

The girl nodded.

"…"

"Well then…" Shinji replied, moving away from the gurney. Looking around he started to twiddle his thumbs in the air. "Quickly! Fetch this girl a psychiatrist."

The girl blinked, feeling utterly confused.

Shinji looked back at her. "You know what? About that whole '_I'm piloting it for your sake_'… umm…could you please forget that? I'm actually doing it… umm… just for the sake of it… cya."

_I'm losing it_…

The girl just observed him walking to the older women, not even knowing what she was supposed to infer from all this. She decided not to think.

"Let's do this before I changed my mind," Shinji shouted. "Which is most likely to happen in 2 minutes if I stay here…?"

* * *

"_Where are the BUTTONS_?" Shinji shouted from the entry plug. "_How can I even pilot it without fucking buttons_?"

"Just calm down, Shinji," Ritsuko cheered over the intercom, drawing heavily on her cigarette. "Evangelion is mostly controlled by your thoughts, though sometimes it can even respond on your whims. You will get used to it quickly. There are two controllers to help you, along with status tablet. Relax, you'll be fine."

_I feel like I forgot something…_

In the same time LCL liquids started to fill the plug.

"_Calm down? Yeah sure why not_… _WAIT, WAIT, WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS SHIT_?"

_Oh…_

"RELAX Shinji," Doctor spoke. "It's just LCL liquid. It will supply you with oxygen. You got nothing to worry about. Just swallow it and relax."

In the plug, Shinji swallowed, and then coughed it out violently before it successfully filled his lounges. "_Oh Haruhi, this shit tastes like… ughh… ten year old strawberry jelly… mixed with hobo's saliva…ugh_._..like, fuck this._"

Doctor Akagi closed the communications, killing her cig in the ashtray. She sighted.

"How bad is it, Rits," Misato asked in concerned tone, placing her coffee mug on the table. "Please, just tell me that we didn't send him in certain death. He'll be fine, right?"

"I'm not sure…" Doctor replied, eying her old friend. "We were not prepared for his current mental state… it could get tense but it should work in theory. We expected at least 10% synch, he should provide at least that much… but I don't know."

"10% is not enough," Misato shouted, slamming her cup on the table. "He will die, for heaven's sake! How could you even ask this of him if the chances were that bad?"

"Look," Doctor interrupted, rolling her eyeballs. "It's not like we had any choice, and you know that. Just do your job and I'll do mine."

Misato frowned. "Fine…"

Doctor turned to the command crew. "Maya, initiate the synchronization sequence."

"Yes, mam." Young woman replied solemnly.

Doctor pushed push-to-talk button on her desk tablet. "Shinji, we will now synchronize you with the unit, just relax and try to clear your mind."

He felt humored. "_Yeah… sure_…"

She closed the link. "Start the process," She barked." And provide me with details."

"_Connect the main power supply_."

"_Transmit power to all circuits_."

"_Yes, sir_."

"_The second contact is beginning_."

"_The connection of A10-nerve is operational_."

"Set Japanese as command interface." Ritsuko barked.

"_All initial contacts are all right._"

"_Connect the mutual lines._"

"Everything seems to be normal," Maya Ibuki informed, dispatching the information on the main screen. "We are ready to initiate synchronization sequence, Captain?

"Just a second," Misato replied, pushing push-to-talk button. "Shinji, how do you feel?"

"_Is that rhetorical question?_" Shinji spoke to the intercom, nursing his head. "_I feel used, violated, and edgy. My head hurts and it's beyond me how I managed not to pee myself for so long… and if I accidentally did, it would get filtrated in this LCD thingy, right? No danger of… Bear Grills?_"

Misato took a second to eye Ritsuko. The other woman shook her head. "Yes Shinji, it would get filtrated. Just relax for now. We'll try to synchronize you with your Unit, so if you feel anything strange just open the communication link, ok?"

"_Oh, right_." Shinji scuffled. "_I'll just stop imagining my painful imminent death and sing some children's rhymes. So, let's just start this coz I really need to pee_."

"You'll be fine. I promise I'm treating you with ice cream later." Misato said, masking her concern. She closed the link, and took a deep breath. "Start synchronization sequence!" She barked at the staff.

The command crew observed as the process went almost fluently. Both Shinji's and Unit 01's mental waves spiked here and there, though in the end they successfully merged on 21%. They all felt relieved, knowing that Unit 01 will at least be combat sufficient.

"Is everything, ok?" Misato asked loudly.

"Everything seems to be fine, Captain." Maya replied. "We are ready to dispatch Unit 01."

Misato sighted in relief. Her gut feeling told her that something could go very, very wrong. She was about to open the communication link to check pilot's status when Maya suddenly cried out. "Wait!"

_Oh boy…_

"We have a problem! His mental readings started to jump really, really fast, and so are Unit 01's!" Maya shouted rapidly. "I'm not able to read them any more. They are moving too fast. Captain?"

_I knew it. It was too good to be true. _ Misato grunted. "Abort the synchronization, NOW!"

"We can't, something is interfering with the process!"

_This is getting too dramatic. _Misato quickly opened the link. She was about to speak when she was cut off by very loud screams of the Third Child. His cry was very high pitched, almost ear molesting. It sounded like chickens in slaughterhouse on judgment day.

Some personnel closed their ears, unable to endure the noise. Misato couldn't. She was worried sick and no one was doing anything useful. "Sedate him, NOW!" She shouted desperately.

Then it stopped, he went completely silent. Misato closely leaned to the intercom while Ritsuko preoccupied herself with status reports.

"_His readings are stable._"

"That wasn't the effect of sedatives," Maya informed. "Something else calmed him down. Readings are still unclear, and we don't know what exactly happened."

"This is bad." Ritsuko spoke, stopping at the half of one report. "We have a serious problem."

Misato, who already reached for the intercom, ignored the panicking doctor. "Shinji are you all right?"

There was a brief silence. Then, sudden groan escaped the lone shaded figure in the entry plug, suggesting that someone was not happy with the sudden turn of events.

"Shinji? Hey! Shinji are you OK?" Misato shouted, desperately.

"_You… filthy… lying whore_!" Shinji shouted from the entry plug. "_'It will be alright' she says. All right my ass. You fucking mind raped me, you sack of shit. Netorare got nothing on this - THIS was real mind-rape." _

Misato sighted in relief.

"_I swear to Haruhi I'm bringing this whole place down. I'm calling social centre, hygiene department, prime minister, pizza delivery… ANYWAYS what the fuck do you think you're doing? Explain yourself!" _

In the meantime Ritsuko leaned over Misato's back, holding some pappers. "Shinji, listen," she shouted. "We had some errors…"

"_I noticed…_"

Doctor gulped. "Listen… we have a serious problem and I really need your full attention for this."

"_Make my day_…" He replied with the hint of spite in his voice.

Ritsuko gulped. "I have a feeling that you might not like it."

"_Just do your thing, doctor. But do remember, I AM in giant robot."_

"W-well you s-see," She stammered nervously. "Your synchronization went well at first, but… it kind of went slightly out of control. We are still unsure of total percentage, but something really bad happened with your merging. You see, you kind of connected directly to Eva's nervous system, which was of course our original plan… though not exactly as this."

"_Meaning?_"

"We could say that your bond is so strong that… umm how to put this correctly? Erm, basically if Unit 01 gets direct damage it will be translated directly at… you… kind of…so… if Unit 01 accidentally looses its arm or head… yeah… I'm really, really sorry for this Shinji."

He went pale. His mouth was wide open. Misato dropped into her chair.

"And that's not everything, unfortunately," She continued. "You see, you kind of have 2 minutes before you get infected with mental contamination…kind of. And well, you are kind of stuck in the entry plug…"

Shinji had absolutely no idea what that was, he didn't even care, though it sounded so bad that it left him terrified.

As he finally tried to protest, he was interrupted by Ritsuko. "And Shinji… if you hear any voices… that's normal…"

He was back in trance. Misato face-palmed in disbelief.

"Well, it's not that bad," She cheered nervously, looking silly as she spoke. "Just remember, Shinji – you have 2 minutes, and don't get hit… at all. Well, good luck! You will need it…" She closed the communication link, leaving one incoherent child alone in entry plug. "Well then," Risuko spoke, looking around the command bridge. "Will anyone take the honor, Misato?"

Misato just shook her head, giving her very, very angry look. "I'll pass…"

"All right then…" Ritsuko pouted. "LAUNCH THE EVA!"

In the plug, Shinji forcefully gripped his seat as his gravity sense suddenly disappeared. His trance was broken, and realization took place. He was finally going to face the Angel, and he was anything but prepared. He started to shout and scream his lounges out through the link. He unconsciously moved his arm, and his Unit responded. He hurt his thumb.

As he emerged on surface he realized that he was in big, big trouble. The giant looked directly at him and started to move his way. He was scared shitless. On top of everything, he peed in his suit.

They lied to him, it felt awful.

* * *

Shinji ducked behind the long flat building, making himself out of sight. "NOBODY TOLD ME ANYTHING ABOUT FUCKNG LASERS," He shouted at the intercom, as another purple beam passed right above his head. He spun around and rushed for another shelter, leaving the former completely melted.

"_Shinji, you need to get close to the enemy_," Misato yelled through the communications link. "_You have only minute, and if you don't get any closer and actually fight that thing we are all as good as dead_!"

"I don't know if you noticed just now, but it has some inconvenient tendency of MURDER!" Shinji retorted, swinging his Unit from this cover to another one, avoiding yet another beam that almost scratched his back. He moved backwards, expanding the distance between him and the Angel. "Purple beams of murder, Misato - lasers, fucking purple cross-shaped _lasers_. They have a rather nasty habit of exploding, which is pretty much referred as big deterrent in most cultures."

"_Shinji you have 45 seconds_," Misato informed. "_You will have to charge him or you will run out of time. When he shoots at you I want you to run as fast as you can and attack the red sphere in his stomach. You copy?_"

"Pardon my French but FUCK YOU!" Shinji replied, running past several blocks. "It's not as easy as it sounds, for crying out loud. If that laser hits me I'm _fucking_ dead. So let's just run the ever-lasting-fuck out of here and turn this perfectly accomplished love-hate-lasers relationship to long-distance one."

In the same time Shinji barely managed to evade yet another beam that still managed to knock him over. He slammed hard on his back, which made him spit all liquids from his stomach. He observed as the beam destroyed two buildings as their fidelity was equal to brick wall. He took a moment to catch some air through the LCL liquid. Grunting, he pulled himself on his feet.

"_Shinji listen, there is NO time, you only have 30 seconds more_," Misato spoke. The whole command centre was up on their feet, observing the flow of battle in disbelief.

Shinji was panting hard. He was running solely on high surge of adrenaline. He had no idea that piloting in sitting position could be so exhausting. "I think I basically lost all the conceivable luck I was ever going to get," Shinji spoke between breaths. "You know what? Even though your plan seemingly has longer list of flaws than English dictionary, I still think that number of my mental scars still exceeds it. And I'll actually accept this absurdity. Not because you asked for it. Oh hell no, I'll do it because _that_ _fucker_ asked for it."

Shinji jumped over his shelter, turning towards the giant. Giant fired instantly, but Shinji, once again managed do dodge by falling on his robot's bottom, on top of the truck. It hurt like hell. "That's it _fucker_." Shinji shouted as he slammed his fist into the intercom. He stood up and charged the target. "It's fucking personal, you _holy_ piece of shit."

He was getting closer and giant shoot again, scratching the tip of his shoulder. It wasn't enough to put him out of course. He crushed the roads as he ran, and sent the cars flying. When the Angel shot again he jumped, avoiding yet another beam. He had no idea that robots could even jump this high, ignoring the universe logic he jumped again, flying over at least dozen of blocks. Adrenaline took over his senses, it felt majestic, liberating.

"_15 seconds more_," voice from the intercom sounded.

"_Shinji, listen, you will have to penetrate his AT-field_." Misato shouted.

"I'LL PENETRATE HIS WHAT?"

In that second Unit 01 slammed onto Angel's AT-field. Making such devastating force that pushed both Angel and the rest of its surroundings backwards, slamming few cars into nearby flat buildings and households. His hands were on fire, but he managed to push further none the less.

"_7 seconds_!"

"_Shinji, there is NO time._" Misato yelled. "_Use your horn!_"

"USE MY WHAT?"

"_Shinji, open the rift with your arms and use the horn on your forehead to hit the core, it's his weak spot._" Misato shouted rapidly.

"THIS SOUNDS SO WRONG!"

"_4 seconds._"

Shinji pulled the orange barrier with all his might, took a step back and pushed himself forward as hard as he could. He closed his eyes and extended his neck.

"_2 seconds!_"

"_Thrust is as deep as you can!_" Misato shouted.

"SHUT UP ALREADY!"

Everything went blank.

* * *

Shinji slowly opened his eyes and scanned his surroundings; the bright light hurt his eyes. He was underneath the unfamiliar ceiling in empty medical-like room, probably hospital. It took him some time to remember everything. He grunted.

Shinji took a deep breath and pushed himself upwards. He twitched from pain as he put some pressure on his arm. He cursed in his chin and looked at the problem. His arms, his both arms, were completely covered in bandages. He inspected it a bit and found out that his skin was damaged in a way that his usual skin tone was replaced with burnt pink tissue. It looked terrible. There was also some sort of metal exoskeleton above his bones; it was probably the thing that enabled him to move them properly.

He inspected his medical file: 2. level burns on arms, currently disabled, fractured ribs, broken nose, bruises."

_Splendid…_

He leaned back to his comfortable bed. Fact that medical bed is actually comfortable pleasantly surprised him, though he did sleep in terrible places. He closed his eyes but he wasn't tired. The confusion, anger and concern that swirled in his mind denied him his well-deserved slumber.

_How did we even know that core was fucker's weak spot anyway? At-field? Was that doctor even natural blonde? Will I get my ice cream?_

* * *

"What do you think they are talking about?" Aoba asked his two fellow staff members, looking at the triplet of Gendo Ikari, Kozo Fuyutsuki and Ritsuko Akagi discussing something above their station. "They seem pretty upset about something. I can tell that much at least. "

Maya Ibuko shrugged, taking a sip of her black coffee. Makoto Hyuga looked at them and did the same. "Why do you care all of a sudden?"

"Since somebody actually found some balls to ask some questions." He replied, leaning back on his chair. "Look, everything around here is taboo, we all know it. And to be honest I don't like it. I found myself asking a lot of questions about this whole operation."

"Are you trying to imply something?" Maya asked, giving him a dumbfounded look.

"Look, that stuff does not concern us in any way." Hyouga intervened. "We are only getting paid to do our jobs, nothing else. So don't play with fire Shigeru, I like my job very much."

"You are such a pussy, Makoto," Shigeru mocked. The other man just hissed. "There is just too much of weird crap around here, and you know it as well as I do. We all just suspect something murky, but no one ever bothers to actually do something."

"So what of it," Makoto exclaimed, loudly. "It's not our business, Shigeru. Stifle your curiosity for once. "

"Oh, don't be such downers," Shigeru half-whispered, leaning closer to his friends, they did the same. "What if… you know? That stuff about Rei and commander."

"Shigeru!" Maya hissed in horror.

"Quiet," Shigeru hushed. "What if it's actually true? Could you really look in the mirror knowing that those kinds of things happen here? Just imagine it, maybe sub-commander is involved to."

"SHIGERU!" Maya screamed in terror. She got shut by Makoto's arm over her mouth, leaving her mutter in protest. She slapped it off.

"You have no imagination," Shigeru pouted, rising up from his chair.

"Where do you think you are going?" Makoto protested, while nursing his palm.

"I'm buying that kid a beer."

* * *

Shinji had absolutely no idea if some great universal force prevented him to cock slap his father, or was it just bunch of bodyguards that looked mean. They just went past each other in hallways and he couldn't even spill one word. He wanted to ask at least one question that bothered him, though he just couldn't. His father wasn't anything particular, sure, he did emit terror around himself but it hardly bothered Shinji. He told himself not to waste any time on that man, and he planned to do so. It was his finally day here, and if they even were to speak in future they would do so with lawyers. He continued on his way to the reception.

On his way he accidentally stumbled in the nearby doors and noticed someone familiar through the small glass window. It was that same blue haired girl, who was now sitting on the medical bed in her room, looking aimlessly out of the window.

Even though she creped him out, he decided to check up on her. She looked pretty injured back then. He could even get some answers he wanted.

He knocked on the door two times. "May I come in?"

"Yes," She replied with soft voice after a brief moment of silence.

He slowly opened the door and entered, slowly closing them from behind. He gave her a greeting wave and sat on the metal chair near her bed. He had to admit that girl looked cute no matter how creepy she seemed before.

"I never really caught you name."

"Why are you here?" The girl interrupted in demanding tone.

Shinji was slightly taken aback. "Emm… I was worried, obviously. You looked pretty beat down there."

_What the hell is her problem?_

"Worried about me?" The girl asked in confusion.

"Well you looked… distressful… so naturally, yes I was."

The girl still looked confused. She lowered her gaze for a moment to analyze the given information. She looked up at him and nodded. "I think I understand. Very well then, I will accept your proposal to converse with me."

_Creepy_…

"How… wonderful," Shinji murmured sullenly, scratching his arm. "So, I still don't know your name?"

"Oh, yes," The girl spoke, giving that disoriented feel again. "My name is Ayanami, Ayanami Rei."

Shinji rolled his eyes and let out a heavy sigh.

_Why do I even care? I'll just forget it in 2 minutes_…

"Well then. Pleasure to meet you… Ayenami-san. Can I ask you a few questions, if you don't mind?"

The girl nodded. "You may do so, pilot Ikari."

"Ok then, and please, leave Ikari out. Just call me Shinji like everyone else does. I don't really like that Ikari part."

"Very well, you may start your questioning, pilot Shinji."

_Why does this feel like principal's offic_e?

Shinji gulped. "Well, for start…are your injuries any better?"

"I am completely fine." She replied robotically.

"You sure?" Shinji asked doubtfully. She was, after all, covered in more bandages than he was.

"Yes." She replied simply.

"I'm very glad for you." He replied, earning yet another weird look from the girl. "No need to get so tense." He cheered. "I just woke up hurt after life and death battle of my life. I could use some friendly chatter with someone of my age; Haruhi knows that every adult here is insane."

Rei nodded, even though she didn't share his view. "I received information that the battle went successful." She informed. "I must congratulate you for accomplishing such achievement by breaking a lot of military protocols, battle logistics and with such minimal skill and determination. Even though your tactics involve a lot of unnecessary collateral damage I never knew that battling is possible in that way."

Shinji gulped. "Beginners luck…"

"I noticed that you also like to perform battle shouts, which strangely sound like female screams when troubled. I don't really understand the purpose of them since they don't seem very efficient. Also I have a reason to doubt that the Angels are capable of hearing you. I suggest that you revise your strategies."

_At least she became talkative_…

"Oh, where I come from men do it all the time," Shinji lied, scratching the back of his head. "It's a thing you know… "

"I see…"

_I'm loosing my points here_…

"Let's just forget about all that piloting stuff and focus on you instead." Shinji said giving her a silly look. "So, why die your hair blue? I mean, Japan these days… giant monsters and fashion. Not my thing…"

"You are mistaken, pilot Shinji. My natural color is blue."

Shinji slowly nodded in confusion. "Uh HUH... your parents must have been… exotic..."

"I do not posses any parents."

Shinji felt dumb. "I am very, very sorry." He apologized. "I didn't know."

"I do not understand, pilot Shinji." Rei interrupted. "There is no reason for apologies. I never had parents in the first place."

He gave her astonished look. He couldn't determine if she was serious, really damaged or was just pulling his nose.

"Okay…" Shinji hesitated, not even bothering to press further into that matter. "I presume that you live with your guardian then?"

"I live on my own."

The girl continued to shock him more and more. "…independency," Shinji concluded. "How commendable… and I though I was the only one. Who needs guardians anyway?"

"I do have a guardian." The girl informed. "Your father, supreme commander Ikari, is my legal guardian. I thought you were told."

_Oh_….

_OH_…

He narrowed his eyes. "Really?" He began. "How… interesting. I believe we started off wrong, Ayurnami-"

"-My name is not-"The girl tried to interrupt, but was interrupted herself.

"-ANYWAYS!" He continued. "Don't mind me complaining but while I spent my childhood days… in certain places, you on the other hand, had a privilege of living on my precious father's expense. Is this true?"

"I think that you are correct." The girl replied, not getting the obvious negativity. "Your father provided me with all necessary expenses, if you are interested in that?"

The boy felt humored. "He is such Mother Teresa… true saint among us. You must be grateful that you have him as your guardian."

"I don't think I understand…"

_That's it… she is brainwashed. _

"Listen, I don't blame you for anything, "He started, as he moved from his chair." But I really, really, really _hate_ you right now. It's nothing personal, if it helps. It's just that my brain is currently screaming bloody murder and if I don't find certain bearded cunt to feast on I might just go slightly more insane than I thought I will ever go. So, in favor of not unleashing any anger on you, my dear… associate, I will go and look for that certain someone. It's been pleasure to know you. I hope we absolutely never see each other again. Good luck with your life and piloting… "

He opened the doors and was about to step out when the girl suddenly spoke.

"Are you not going to pilot Unit 01?"

_I tell her that I hate her and she worries about damn robot…girls these days_.

"Hell no," He replied bitterly. "Why the _fuck_ should I? And why are _you_ doing it? Is paycheck that good, or is my father forcing you to do it?"

"I am not being forced," Rei replied, emotionlessly. "It's my duty."

"Look…" Shinji spoke, shaking his head. "I don't really care what you do with your life, but I will seriously advise you to reconsider this. I was out there, and I'll admit it – I was scared shitless. I don't even know how skilled you are, but you can die there."

"It doesn't matter."

Shinji remained puzzled. "Excuse me…"

"It doesn't matter if I live or die. If death is what they need from me I would comply without hesitation. I don't understand your logic, pilot Shinji? Please explain."

Shinji's jaws dropped as the words hit him; he was once again completely speechless. He remained there in disbelief, observing her closely as she still she still looked dead serious. He waited for a second, maybe a minute, hoping that she would tell him that it was a joke, a sick absurd joke. She seemed to wait for something as well, probably the explanation she demanded. She was serious, he figured. He shook his head and rushed outside, leaving the girl in complete confusion.

_Father… you fucking piece of shit. What did you do to this girl? We're going to have a nice talk… _

"Nurse!" He shouted through the halls. "Take me to my father, and fetch this girl an exorcist!"

* * *

Hope you liked it. If you did please leave me a review. If not… do the same…

I apologize for grammar… I repeat this will be revised.

That's it from me. Cheriooo!


	3. Da Shinji's code

This chapter was pre-read by my 4 year old cousin who knows nothing about English, except that it exists… maybe.

Disclaimer: I don't own Eva… or anything else mentioned…

I bow to everyone for so much positivity.

* * *

Shinji groaned from the frustration. He was sitting in the same position for hours and new people kept coming and coming. His newly appointed doctor was nothing more than another pain in the ass, an ugly fat pain in the ass. In the beginning some of them even knew a way of forming a carefully constructed question, which was quite enjoyable in fact. It meant that it was only getting worse and worse.

Shinji closely observed the man, trying not to cringe. The man named Dr. Something Daisuke, who Shinji simply called Doctor as any other unlucky soul that attempted to probe into his apparently interesting life, looked like a pervert from the low budget horror movie. Shinji thought that his mouth could most accurately be described as a worm fuckfest. Every time he spoke Shinji backed off a bit, afraid that something alien-ish might pop out to say hello. That, combined with the giant mold on his forehead marked him as a forever-bachelor type.

He was against this from the start, but free medical checkup was not something to throw away easily. He didn't even know when he had one of those. Minding that, he didn't see much light for the last few hours so he figured that it wouldn't be that bad, and he was really worried about his state after… complications. It was just something to pass time before they released him. That was all, he hoped.

"Sexual diseases? Some medical history I should be aware of?" The man asked bluntly. For each of his unrelated questions Shinji would give the most laconic answer possible. Entering the open conversation with this man was the last thing he ever had in his mind.

"No," He replied simply.

The man nodded and wrote something on a paper.

"Are you a virgin?"

Shinji's eyes narrowed. "I'm 14 years old…"

"Is that a yes or a no?"

"Can't you tell?"

"You come from Tokyo-2. If you know what I mean?" The man joked with the grin that made Shinji back off a bit more, just enough to avoid dropping off the edge of his seat.

_Why am I even nice to this guy?_

Shinji shook his head really, really slowly, indicating that he was not pleased with his statement. "I really don't know." He replied dryly, not even trying to hide his disapproval.

Doctor shrugged. "Kids these days… you don't get our adult humor. But don't worry, buddy. You'll come of age pretty fast."

_Some babies were dropped on their heads, but some where thrown at a wall…_

"Boy, oh boy I can't wait…" Shinji replied with minimal enthusiasm.

Doctor marked something on his paper. "I'm leaving it as a _no_," He said pointing at him with his pen. "But if you want to add something…"

"IT'S FUCKING NO!" Shinji shouted, throwing the doctor off balance.

"Okay, okay," Doctor repeated, fixing his glasses. "It's _no_… jeez. You kids don't get us adults don't you?"

_Point that out one more time and I'll gut you with that pen…_

"I guess we don't…" Shinji replied with controlled voice. He could already feel his nerves going visible.

Doctor took a small pause as he scanned him. "Are you epileptic?"

Shinji's face fell. He started to think that he was mocking him. "Why the fuck would I be epileptic?"

Doctor made an uneasy face. Shinji figured he was not accustomed to inappropriate language. "Your right eye twitches sometimes. Is that usual?"

"No," Shinji replied simply. "It's my natural reaction to disgust."

Doctor forced a chuckle. "Oh ho, we have a joker here…"

"Doctor your observation is irrefutable…"

Doctor swallowed bitterly. "I see…"

If tapping the man's shoulder wouldn't give him nausea, Shinji might actually consider it. Instead, he grinned with no humor. "Those are just my bastard genes kicking in. You know what they say about us people from Tokyo-2, right doc?"

"Wait," The man paused. "Does that mean that you joked about that last quest-"

"NO," Shinji interrupted. "Dear fucking Haruhi… if I say _no_ it's definite."

"Okay, okay," Doctor replied raising his hands in defense.

"Unless I'm joking..:" Shinji muttered silently.

"Hey! Are you playing me?"

"Huh, me? Never." Shinji replied playing dumb.

Doctor shook his head and placed the papers away. "Well, since you don't feel… talkative." He rolled his eyes. "We shall proceed with oral examination."

"Doctor,"

"Yes, mister Ikari?"

"Put that pork chops you call fingers in my mouth and I'll shout rape…"

Doctor gulped. "Well, that crosses our anal checkup…"

"Get out!"

* * *

**C.C.** shamelessly presents:

**THE PERFECT PILOT**

**Chapter III:** Da Shinji's code

* * *

Not Misato or Ritsuko were very enthusiastic about this. Before they would act, they decided to take a small break for smoke. Shinji wasn't very far anyway. In fact, their conversing ended up right in front of his room, or interrogation room to be precise.

Every attempt to create a clear image of his mental profile was a definite failure. It was something that had to be made through years of observation, and they had so little. They never saw Commander Ikari being so close to showing any sign of emotion. Actually, it was the second time in one day, to everyone's amazement. When he found out that his brother lied to him to hide his loss of a child he almost crushed the phone. As it turned out, his uncle was the one providing them with false information about the boy's progress.

And now, they were dealing with something out of their comprehension, the boy who successfully chased off 3 professionals in a row. He even managed to make one trainee cry.

Misato sighted.

Ritsuko frowned.

The command was very clear. One of them had to speak with Third Child and elucidate his circumstances, along with possible persuasion. It was very odd that Commander gave unclear orders so bluntly, but minding his circumstances it was hardy a surprise. He didn't even face them directly. In fact, he did all the talking masked behind his giant office chair. It could also be attributed to recent 'circumstances'.

"You do it," Ritsuko said to the other woman, not sounding too enthusiastic.

"Nope. I refuse to be a part of this any more."

"You heard the Commander," Ritsuko informed as she crossed her arms. "Besides, I think he likes you more…"

Misato shrugged. "Touché. It doesn't even matter if he does. I'm not doing it, and it's final."

"Don't be such a baby."

"Humph," Misato pouted as she crossed her arms and turned her back to her.

Ritsuko frowned, not even bothering to mask her obvious irritation. She knew that he had more chance in persuading Shinji to jump out of the airplane without a parachute than persuading Misato to do anything at all.

"Why do I always have to be the bad guy?" She whined with the shake of her head.

"Oh come on," Misato said comfortingly, suddenly turning and tapping her on the back. "The role fits you far better, and you know it. Besides, I would be terrible."

Ritsuko narrowed her eyes and gave her an irritated look. She knew that Misato was just being her usual self, which is dumping as much responsibility as possible on her back.

"Whatever." Ritsuko said, reaching for the knob. She stopped and turned as soon as she touched the cold metal. "But if it gets ugly you'll come in, right?"

"Relax," Misato said making a silly smile. "He's only potent when he's mad in the giant mech. I think that cell calmed him down…"

"I heard they used stun guns," Ritsuko said doubtfully.

_They used two…_

Misato rubbed the back of her head. "Where did you hear that nonsense?" She replied, acting obliviousness.

Ritsuko sighted. "Fine, I'm going in. But be sure to watch my back. Ok?"

"You can always count on me, Rits," Misato replied giving her a thumb up.

Ritsuko opened the door and entered.

The moment Ritsuko left Misato looked at her watch. It was past 1400 and she was still sober. Better get down to business. She could wait for them at the cafeteria.

* * *

There was nothing special about the room, besides the fact that there was very little lighting witch contributed a lot to NERV's usual aphotic feel. There was one metal table and two chairs, and one was already occupied by the Third Child, who was resting his forehead on the table.

Ritsuko figured that he didn't hear her come in, so she cleaned her throat loudly to get his attention. The boy raised his head and yawned.

_When did I become NERV's negotiator_, she thought suddenly. She shook her head. It was time to make the façade and do something right around here. Gendo was really distressed as of lately, and if she managed to do this right she could earn a special favor. It was a worthy cause. _Don't mess this up, Ritsuko._

"Oh, hey doc," He greeted, cleaning his eyes. "I took some liberty to take a nap. Please. Take a seat." He continued to clean his eyes.

Shinji remembered her from the attack, which meant that she was someone more important in this organization. He hoped that the time for him release finally came. Ritsuko sat down in the other chair across him and waited until he was done.

"So," He continued, looking directly at her. "Can I go home now?"

"Not yet," Doctor replied instantly, receiving a disappointed glare from the boy. "There are still some issues that have to be resolved?"

_Hopefully not my anus…_

He puffed in irritation, rolling his eyeballs. "Like what?"

"Well your appropriate punishment for instance."

"For what?" Shinji replied confused. "No one told me that I have to be nice to you people. Those people were air thieves, and probably the reason why birth control was created in the fist place."

Ritsuko backed off a bit. "It's not even that, Shinji-kun. I'm not sure if you understand your position, but you punched Supreme Commander in the face."

_Worth it…_

"I already explained that," Shinji said as he waved his hands in protest, surpassing a chuckle as he did. "The bastard deserved all of it. And besides, it hurt me more than him, but not because I regret anything or have second thoughts. It's just that my arms are broken, thanks to you of course."

The woman shook her head. "Shinji, please be serious. You broke his nose."

_Double worth it…_

"Oh, did I? How unfortunate…" He replied sarcastically. "…did he send you to bitch about it in his stead?"

_In a way…_

"No," She negated. "I'm here to inform you of your current position."

"I want a lawyer first," He retorted as he crossed his bandaged arms.

"That won't be possible,"

He raised an eyebrow. "Because?"

"Silly, I'm just here to inform you about things. You don't need a lawyer for that."

"Well," He started, leaning back on his chair and crossing his arms. "You almost killed me 3 times, deliberately or not, you're still the ones to blame. You gave me injuries that match the car accident in F1 racing, and a shit ton of mental scars that made my forelock go grey. On top of everything: you beat me up with stun guns and locked me up in the fucking solitary. Not to mention that you gave no plausible explanations for any of the shit that happened recently. Only thing you really did was to pair me with a doctor I wouldn't let into normal society without second thoughts. I think I _do_ need a lawyer."

The woman sighted knowing that the kid had a point there. If it was the case in any other circumstances Shinji would probably get at least a dozens of millions from the lawsuits, if he really did went as far as that. Though, NERV was NERV, and no one can touch NERV.

"Sadly you won't get one," The blonde woman informed in more serious tome, which caught the boy's attention. "You see, Shinji. NERV is a very influential company. In fact, I daresay that NERV probably runs the whole Japan, and maybe even more. We have thousands of secret agents, we have more political and military power than government and military together, and we have more resources that most of the 2nd world countries. I do feel sorry for your situation, but you won't get anything from NERV."

"Well, when you put it that way."

"The best thing you could get is…" Ritsuko coughed. "…well, a small payoff, and maybe an apology."

"That's far too little," The boy protested in disbelief. "You can't be serious."

"But I am," Ritsuko continued. "You are not even a NERV employee, and on top of everything you assaulted our commander. You have no idea how many years can normal civilian get for attacking the man of his position."

Shinji leaned back on his chair, still looking directly in the doctor's eyes. "Are you trying to imply something?"

"Perhaps," She replied after a brief pause. "You see, there are some more problems regarding you being a civilian. I think you already noticed but you received some of the most exclusive medical treatments… that are for NERV employees only."

"Wait, wait," Shinji interrupted shaking his head. "Are you threatening me, doctor?"

"No, silly," The doctor replied humorously. "I'm only implying that you received a million dollar worth exoskeleton, along with other medical expenses, charges for assault, and a lot of charges for collateral damage."

Shinji's face fell. "Bullshit," He spat. "You can't charge me for collateral damage. You practically forced me to pilot your shitty robot."

"I don't know," Ritsuko replied smilingly. "Out commander thinks otherwise…"

_I should have punched harder…_

Shinji crossed his arms. "So, you are trying to say that the government would just nod and say: 'Yeah kid took out his robot and took a dump on our city, and it's entirely his fault because that shit happens all the time.' Tell him to shove it up his butt. I'm not paying for anything."

Doctor felt humored. "It's not for you to decide, Shinji-kun. You see, the debt will follow you… forever most likely… like it or not. The government could care less even if it does sound too surreal. If commander Ikari says so, then it's final."

_Okay, maybe a little less worth it… _

"And what if I go public?"

The doctor just shrugged.

Shinji frowned. He had no idea if he should cry and hope for some pity or punch the doctor in the face and see what happens. Maybe he could run away and change his name. He always wanted to see Vegas. What are the odds that the secret organization with billion agents will find him anyway? He mentally slapped himself. They were way too big for his liking.

"So…" Shinji pouted. "How many years are we talking about?"

"None," The doctor replied simply.

Shinji was taken aback. "Excuse me?"

Ritsuko gave him a warming smile and corrected herself. "None, if we manage to arrange something…"

Shinji rolled his eyes, guessing what was coming next. "So, you want me in that robot that fucking badly? Was I seriously that good?"

"Hey," She replied in toneless voice. "You make it sound like you won't benefit at all. It won't be that bad. Sure, we _are_ asking you to risk your life, but we are also giving you an opportunity to save it. You really think that your arms will ever heal without our help, don't be foolish, Shinji-kun. If you stay with us I can vouch for your treatment."

Shinji took a really, really deep breath. "Why me, and don't you dare tell some bullshit. I want a legitimate reason."

"It's very simple actually," Ritsuko lied. "Only the people that were born after the Second Impact can pilot Evangelions. Since Evangelion is half biological creation it can only respond to people with certain genome, which you luckily posses since you were born after the impact. Sadly, not everyone with that certain gene can pilot it. There is a certain institution called Marduk which can determine if you got what it takes. Your uncle must have taken you there when you were a kid."

_You lying bitch…_

Shinji nodded. "Oh yeah, I remember something like that…"

"It was only just recently that Angel appeared, and since Rei is currently disabled, you were our only option."

Shinji nodded. "Okay, that makes sense but how did you know that the Angel was going to appear anyway?"

"We didn't," She answered. "We were preparing for it for a long time, or to be precise; ever since the Angels initiated the Second Impact 15 years ago."

"So it just happens to drop by after 15 years to say hello?" Shinji asked doubtfully. "Why didn't they strike after the impact when we were vulnerable?"

"I seriously don't know, "The doctor replied. She started too feel that he was breaching her façade. She desperately needed a smoke.

"But then, why do you need me so much?" He replied smilingly. "The next Angel could appear 15 years from now. I don't see any need for recruiting me so fast."

"We have no way of knowing that," The doctor replied maybe a little too hasty that she should have. "But it doesn't mean that we shouldn't take necessary measures. We need to have at least one available pilot 24/7. Leaving the world without protection would be crazy."

"So, there are no other pilots available?" Sinji asked raising his eyebrows.

Ritsuko gulped. "There are…"

"And why are they not here?" Shinji asked in more demanding tone.

Ritsuko paused for a bit. "Their Units are not complete."

_So, they knew about the Angels from the start, but they are telling me that it took 15 years to complete 1 Unit… what are they taking me for? _

Shinji leaned back on his chair. He decided to play calm. "Since I met Rei I know that there are pilots that were already trained for this. What's exactly stopping you from calling one of them to pilot my Unit instead of me? It makes no sense because I never knew any of this shit since yesterday."

"It's not that simple," The woman replied, feeling a bit uneasy. "There are more to them than you might think… it's complicated."

Shinji shrugged. "I am all ears."

"Certain Units respond to different mental states of pilots." She started, not even noticing that she became the one being interrogated. "You're not that compatible with your Unit yourself. We prepare- um, I mean we created the Unit to match a certain brain pattern that you are luckily compatible with… It's a lucky coincidence. It was originally prepared for Rei…"

She suddenly felt that she should've left out that last part. She remembered one wise man's words: One lie leads to another. Though, if she didn't lie it would mean that they created a robot that didn't react to already trained pilots, which would make it sound like it was made just for him, which was of course the truth, but he was not supposed to know that.

_Damn it. Why was Shinji so damn superstitious? It wasn't supposed to be like this…_

Shinji made a wide smile. "Then you won't need me when Rei recovers… that's great."

"No," She protested. "I mean- we need as much pilots as we can get. Don't remember that you're still in our debt."

"So much faith in my piloting skill, which I'm tragically not sure if I even posses… calling it skill is a bit of an overstatement. But why force me into something I'm not very eager to do when you got other pilots? Or could it be that you really want me for some reason?"

"Don't jump into conclusion, _boy_," The woman replied bitterly. "We are prioritizing other pilots. It just happens that the situation is asking for this."

_Why am I not so sure about that…?_

"Then I will be discharged when Rei recovers?" Shinji retorted. "Or will you beat the horse and make me my own robot?"

She mentally slapped herself. Why did she even have to explain it to him if he didn't have much choice but to obey them? She realized that the discussion swallowed her completely. After all, she was instructed to persuade him to pilot willingly, but she didn't like how this played out.

"I can't tell you anything for sure," She replied after a brief pause. "For now you only need to know what you already know… consider everything I said as a favor."

Shinji shrugged. "Whatever you say, doctor."

Ritsuko cleaned her throat. "Anyways, now when you know everything will you accept our proposal?"

_Everything is a strong word… jack shit would suffice._

"It's not like have a fucking choice, do I?" He replied with spite in his voice, giving her a murderous glare. "It doesn't mean that I'll become lovely just because you tied a noose around my throat. Maybe I did swallow a bucked of shit, but my bullshit meter is on its verge…"

"What gives you a right to threaten me, boy?" Ritsuko replied rising from her chair.

"Is that a contradiction?" The boy asked playing dumb.

"We are done." The woman replied throwing some papers on the table. "Here's your NERV ID and your designated home. Someone will pick you up tomorrow, so don't run away." She bowed. "Have a good day, pilot Ikari."

"Are you a natural blonde?"

Ritsuko groaned in anger and rushed through the exit, leaving the door open for him.

_That's an obvious no._

When the woman was nowhere in sight Shinji's face finally fell. He left out a long sigh. _I'm going to pilot that shit_, he concluded. It sounded scary when he repeated it to himself for a second time, and it was even worse the third time. He couldn't believe that he actually accepted their proposal. Not exactly accepted, but it didn't make it any better. He couldn't even believe that he could pull such a stunt on a professional doctor. It left a bittersweet taste.

They were not leaving him any other choice did they? Maybe he could think of a way to escape this madness some other time, because right now he felt like breaking down in some dark corner. To think that he had to escape a secret organization made him shiver. _What the hell even lead to this moment_, he asked himself repeatedly.

Brainstorming wasn't his thing, but he needed something fast. He circled around his table in desperation, thinking about the recent development. This conversation confirmed some things he already knew. He was definitely fucked, and that this whole facility ran on pure incoherent bullshit. _Not much_, he had to admit.

He felled utterly depressed. If he was going to go against the secret organization he had to have a base. Up to now he only had 2 leads: fist one was Marduk institution, something he allegedly attended and which chose him as a pilot. In other words it was one ridiculous crap. There was also that about Units responding to certain mental… He paused.

It made sense. It didn't make sense. He wanted to make sense of it, but he couldn't. He face-palmed with his bandaged arm, which was a terrible thing to do since his exoskeleton was harder than a rock. Still, nothing came to his mind. He needed to relax first and think this through some other time. Later on he could come up with something rational because he wasn't so sure if he should even believe anything that doctor said. He felt dumb for taking her words for granted.

He stood up and grabbed his belongings along with his ID and left the room.

It seemed like the whole world was against him. There wasn't a single positive thing that happened since he came to this city. He decided to call home after he settled down somewhere, since he doubted that he would find anyone for normal conversation around here.

_But how to I get myself out of this shit…_

He strolled around the hallways, not even knowing where he was going. Misato was right, there are absolutely no pointers, or it could be that his sense of direction was dead.

"Hey, you," someone from behind him shouted.

He slowly turned to face the man. "Yes?"

The man approached an offered him a hand. "You must be Shinji."

_Why not?_ Shinji took his hand. "And you are?"

"Name's Shigeru Aoba," The man introduced himself. "I'm the man that's buying you a beer."

Shinji blinked. "Really?"

"Yeah," He replied in surprise. "That's what I said. Didn't I?"

Shinji was still skeptical. "Are you sure you're not one of those brain probing scientists?"

The man laughed and showed him his ID. It said Shigeru Aoba, and he was a NERV tech. It was enough to lower some suspicion, since Shinji doubted that they would send techs to do whatever there was to do with him. He wasn't even sure. NERV was confusing place in all aspects.

"Okay," Shinji spoke, returning the ID to the man. "I guess you are ok, but what business do we have?"

The man coughed and leaned closer. It felt like they were hiding from something. "I'm on your side kid." The tech whispered in his ear. "Come with me if you want to know more."

* * *

"That bad, huh?" Shigeru mumbled in disbelief, taking a sip of his canned Yebisu. "Sucks to be you, kiddo."

"Yeah," Shinji confirmed, taking a sip of his own. "And of course, this whole place is full of crap. I can't believe how much stupidity goes around here."

"That's what I'm always telling everyone," Aoba said in relief. "I'm glad that I'm not the only one who thinks so."

"Pff. Are you trying to say that everyone turns a blind eye to all this? I mean seriously?"

"Yep," Aoba confirmed sadly, raising his beer. "People are damn idiots I tell you."

"I can drink to that," Shinji replied, tapping his beer with his own. They took a big swig and exhaled.

"So," Shinji resumed." Why here? I mean cafeteria is not really an ideal hiding place."

"This is a perfect place," The tech explained. "This time is a universal NERV break time, and we are safe from Bronies."

"Em? Bronies?"

"You don't know?" The tech paused. "Of course you don't know… it's one of famous NERV mythos. The rumor has it all S-2 agents are occult My Little Pony addicts."

_Haruhi created mountains, dinosaurs, pies… and then Shigeru Aoba. We all make mistakes…_

"Oh… what's Section-2?" Shinji asked in disinterest.

Shigeru leaned closer on the mention of the name. "They are NERV's secret agents. I'm sure you'll meet them eventually."

"Uh HUH," Shinji huffed, acting dismay. "And you're trying to say that organization of secret agents is infested with Bro-ni-es?"

"Yep."

Shinji shrugged. "Well that sounds right…"

"Want to hear other secrets?" Aoba asked in anticipation.

Shinji shrugged meekly. It was a complete waste of his time. Though, this man had a good approach. He decided to hear him out, for better or worse.

"Well, you bought me a beer…"

* * *

On the other side of the cafeteria Misato Katsuragi detached her forehead from the table. She groaned in frustration when she realized that her 5th can was empty. She leaned back on her chair trying to find some energy to go for another round. After a short while, she stood up and noticed two grunting guys in the middle of the room. From what she heard she could infer that they talked something about aliens and vampires. She had to hear that one.

"What if the Angels are actually dragons- oh, hey Misato."

"Hello, Shigeru," She greeted. "Hello, Shinji-kun," The boy nodded, looking rather thankfully. "What brought you two kids together?"

"Nothing," Shigeru pouted. Shinji just shrugged with unreadable expression, taking a sip of his beer.

"Alcohol?" Misato exclaimed, snapping a can from boy's arm. "Aoba, why are you giving alcohol to children?"

"To children who saved your ass from angelic love," Shinji corrected, snapping it back. "Mine."

Misato sighted. "Well, one won't kill you…"

"Take a seat," Aoba suggested. "We just fished with our little chat." Aoba winked to Shinji, on which he only nodded. Not even knowing what to think of the man anymore.

"Sure," Misato replied sitting down. "So, how are you doing, Shinji-kun?"

"Saying shitty would be an understatement… you?"

"Ask me after 2 more beers," She replied opening her 6th can. "Are you discharged, Shinji-kun?"

"Nope," He said bitterly. "It turns out that I'll stay here for a while?"

Misato gave him a puzzled look. "You will? Seriously?"

"What you didn't know?" Aoba asked. The woman shook her head. He sighted. "They are blackmailing him."

"What?" She exclaimed. "No, I didn't know anything. What- wait? Why?"

"My father's unrivaled parenting skills…" Shinji replied sadly, nursing his can of bear. "It appears that I owe NERV a few millions… and only way to repay your generosity is by piloting that child molesting machinery of pain. But no worries, only my life and the world are apparently at stake. How couldn't anything bad happen…"

Misato didn't really know how to react to this, so she did what she thought would help. "Come on," She cheered, tapping him on the back. "Have another one." She put the can in his arm. "Maybe it looks bad now but tomorrow might be better. Who knows?"

"Maybe if this wasn't the real world where the shit doesn't get fucked up in every available moment…"

His forehead fell on the table.

_It's good to see that our new defense line is in high spirits_, Misato thought sighting. She looked at Aoba.

"Aoba," Misato started. "We don't talk much… do we? So, how's life. How's the band."

"Great," The tech replied. "Butthurts are still in the game." He averted his gaze on the face down boy. "Shinji you dig metal?"

"Nope," The boy replied under the table. "I'm into classic."

Shigeru shrugged. "You Misato?"

"Not really," She replied raising her arms in defense. From what she heard, their apparent hit 'kill their firstborns' made Maya cry.

"Hmph," Shigeru pouted. "No one appreciates the metal these days. But one day, one day, Butthurts will make a sexy back. We've put a lot of faith in our new single; cockblockalypse."

"Wait. I actually want to hear that."

"Anyways," Misto interrupted, afraid that leaving them to converse without supervision might result in catastrophe. She went with the first thing that came to her mind. "Shinji-kun, where are you staying?"

He huffed. "Somewhere… I guess."

"With your father?" She asked knowing how likely that was.

He twitched from beneath. "Not a fucking chance."

"Then with who?" She replied in wonder.

"Alone."

"You can't live alone," She protested. "Teenage boys shouldn't live alone."

"Rei lives alone," He retorted.

"Rei is… special."

"I couldn't agree more."

"Oh, come on," She insisted, raising his head from the table. "Why don't you crash in my place? I have an extra bed."

"No." He replied instantly.

"Why not?" Misato asked in wonder.

"Is there any good reason to live with someone I've just met? With the same someone who works for the company that made my life living inferno?"

She tried to interrupt but failed.

"-absurd as it may sound, but I don't really think that it's a good idea."

"You can't know if you don't try." She protested humorously. "You could always leave if you don't like me."

_I would like it_, Shigeru thought sadly.

"Is there any really, really good reason to even try?" The boy asked doubtfully.

"I have an extra bed." She repeated. It was still a valid point.

"Can I come," Aoba asked cheerfully.

Misato shook her head, giving him an apologetic glance. He shrugged in defeat.

"Shinji-kun, I'm doing you a favor," She said more seriously. "You are still minor, and if you don't have anyone as a caretaker you know who gets control of you…"

"You don't have to repeat that twice," He replied realizing what she meant. "But I still think that it's not a good idea. I mean teenage boy and a woman. When did that ever work?"

"Ridiculous, that's a great idea. I always wanted a roomy," Aoba raised his hand but was silenced by Misato's sudden death glare. He bowed his head in utter defeat. "I'll buy you an ice cream," She persisted.

"You already promised me one." The boy whined.

"I'll make it three."

Shinji sighted. _I'm such a whore_, he thought in defeat. "Four… and make it extra rainbow sprinkles. I love my ice cream sparkly."

"Deal,"

* * *

"Misato-san… kun? Miss?"

"Just Misato." The woman replied waving her hand. They both stepped into her small sports car.

"Right, Misato. You really shouldn't drive while drunk."

"How else can I?" The woman asked innocently, putting on her seatbelt.

"Can I drive?"

Woman was left puzzled. "You can drive?"

"No," He replied. "But neither can you…"

She protruded her tongue. "Very funny…"

They drown on a Tokyo-3 highway. Misato wanted to take him to a quick sightseeing to brighten his sullen mood, which Shinji interpreted as observation of massive collateral damage that he inflicted upon the poor city. Misato had a hard time dealing with his remarks, but she looked forward to their joint future none the less. The sole thought of raising a teenager was very appealing to her, even though he wasn't so eager about it. Ritsuko always scolded her about being to rash about making decisions. She was probably right, but Misato felt like this was a right thing to do.

He was grumpy the whole way to the store. She tried to pull him into a casual conversation but failed. He wasn't very talkative as he seemed before, and his mood was only darkening. After a short while, he drifted into his thoughts and stopped talking.

"How do you like NERV, Shinji-kun?" She spoke, trying to loosen him up.

He shook his head, giving her the look that answered all of her questions.

"Come on, Shinji," She cheered. "You're killing the mood. It's not polite to leave a woman bored."

"Fine," He sighted. "Let's see… NERV - the organization that exceeds at child molesting, kidnapping your hamster or first born child, and fucking you over with a broomstick – forcing you to pilot the worst robot ever created by a fucking man. Yes, I enjoyed my time here, obviously."

Misato could only force a compassionate smile. She wanted to get closer just a little bit, but every time she asked something his huge barrier would appear and end it. _Maybe tomorrow_, she thought sighting.

_Nope._ She decided to try until he told her to shut up. It was her way and she wouldn't back off that easily.

"So, you've met Rei. Do you like her?" She teased. "I bet you two would be so cute together."

"She's an imbecile." He replied briefly. _And I hate her guts._

She raised an eyebrow. Asking about it would be pointless. "Shinji, I forbid you to talk like that about your fellow pilot. Sure, she's a little weird sometimes, but I'm sure that there is something positive about her. Get to know her. You could be great friends, if anything."

"I wouldn't bet on that."

"You tried?"

He nodded. "It was a complete failure, but who cares. I'm here only until she's back on feet."

"Oh really," The woman spoke humorously. "I saw your face when you held her in your hands. What would happen if you two magically fell in love? I wonder. Maybe you would even consider staying here for longer period."

Really, really small shade of pink appeared on his cheek. "Nope," Shinji replied, pushing away the upcoming thoughts. "When she recovers I'll demand for immediate discharge from duty. Nothing good will ever come out of this."

"What? Saving the world not your thing?"

"No," He protested. "I mean… maybe. Surely not this way… anyway, the point is: I'm not really enthusiastic about being the mighty hero, and yes, I'm definitely against piloting."

"Look," Misato started. "If there was any other way of saving the world we would probably do it, but as it is we are helpless. Piloting is the only way. So like it or not, you're our only hope."

"Yeah, no pressure."

"Oh, relax," She cheered. "When Rei stabilizes with her Unit 00 you won't have anything to worry about. You'll just resume to your every day plumber life and leave all of this behind…"

"Yeah," He sighted. "Wait, what? Unit 00?"

Misato gave him a confused glare. "Unit 00, that's the name of Rei's Evangelion. Is something wrong about it?"

He shook his head rapidly. "No nothing at all."

_Fucking everything_, he creamed in his mind. Now it was as clear as sunshine. Mental readings, Marduk, 15 years to make one Unit without a pilot, and Rei's Unit 00 gave him some definite facts. The scariest one was of course: Unit 01 was definitely made for him; this was too coincidental to be jus a sheer assumption. For some reason they made a Unit just for him, even though he never ever seen one of those, and on top of everything they really, really wanted him to pilot it. He couldn't even try to guess why, because it still hardly made any sense to him.

Thought, one thing was certain: He would definitely find out.

X

"I'm ho- oly fucking hell." He exclaimed as he slipped on the empty can of Yebisu. "Dear Haruhi of god, what the hell is this place."

"Oh, I guess it's little messy lately." Misato spoke behind him. She grabbed him under the armpits and pulled him up. "Why don't you take the shower? I'll prepare us something to eat."

"Okay," He replied while cleaning his shirt from the floor dust. "You'll need to clean this shit, somehow."

"We will split the chores," The woman shouted from the kitchen. "From now on, this is as much of your house as it's mine."

Shinji sighted. The reason of her persistence became much clearer.

After a breathtaking game of rock-paper-scissors took place, the chores were evenly distributed among the two. Shinji's only condition was not doing anything related to the dirty clothes, the same thing Misato did for cooking, which he found rather surprising. Misato went to kitchen to prepare the instant food they bought along the way, while Shinji went to take a shower.

He couldn't relax no matter how much he tired. As soon as he closed his eyes, thousand conspiracy theories passed through his mind. Nothing of it made any sense. He knew few things but there wasn't even the trace of bigger picture. He needed to put his thoughts on the paper.

He finished his bubble bath in 10 minutes.

As he left the bath he noticed one strange looking creature observing his groin. It was definitely a bird, its name was PenPen, and it smelled like beer.

"Penguin… whatever."

He put his clothes on and led the small fellow back to kitchen, where Misato awaited in her sloppy everyday clothes.

"I never knew you were animal person."

Misato slammed her bear on the table. "Ke ke ke, that's just my dear PenPen. He's smart enough to be human, but the bird steals all my alcohol. Keep an evidence of your stuff."

_Then I can always blame it on the bird_.

"Where's my room exactly?" He asked the woman who appeared to be fairly intoxicated.

Misato pointed. "Won't you eat with me?"

"I just need do something fast."

"Oh, really?" She asked teasingly. "What could something fast in privacy be?"

"Unpacking my stuff," Shinji replied without humor.

She gave him a doubtful smile. "Mhm. Take your time."

Shinji went into his room with a small blush. _Perverted woman._ He found a piece of paper and took a pen. It was finally time to catalyze his thoughts. First thing first, there had to be an appropriate title. If it was true that magical organization S-2 existed, then he would have to take extra care. He came up with fitting one: Da Shinji's code.

Instead of writing the facts he knew he drew symbols instead. He figured that it would make them unreadable even if someone found it. Giant penis represented his father, Misato was a can of beer, Ritsuko was a female dog, Aoba was a bat, and Rei was terribly drawn plant. He linked all the events in chronological order and drew a line between bad and potentially useful people.

He continued to stare at his work, not really admiring it. No matter how you look at it, it still looked like something 3 year old on drugs would draw with his left hand. But he could still read it, so it was fine.

"Shinji-kun," The woman shouted from the living room, breaking his train of thoughts. "Are you done with your _unpacking_?"

"It is done," He replied blushing.

"Then wash your hands and come to eat," She said melodically. "We can eat in front of TV."

"Coming!"

"Nice."

He face-palmed. That woman would bring him nightmares, he was sure of that. Though, she could have her use. It appeared that she wasn't involved in whatever there was to be involved in. But he couldn't take that for granted, as it was no one could be trusted. Maybe he could get some information after she gets drunk, and how things went it could happen pretty fast.

He opened his doors and went after the couch.

The plan could wait.

* * *

**END OF CHAPTER THREE**

* * *

Meh… this was probably the worst chapter. This could probably be called: Shinji interacts with people and nothing interesting happens, or they all react to each other. Whatever. Nothing special happened and I missed out a Gendo scene (OR DID I, see omake)… to be honest it would be pretty long one and it required too much effort and space, and this was probably the most boring period in the cannon, I guess. I prefer this packing because the next few chapters should be significantly better. I mean fights and fucking school life, super suspenseful mother effing school life. Yeah! I'm just preparing this for the future... and I regret not calling this fic Da Shinji's code...

Still no beta… I cry…

You may notice but I added some changes to the original… I mean Marduk and stuff…

Cockblockalypse is a legitimate word. Thrust the urban dictionary…

I believe that Shinji's reasoning was plausible. I mean every non-Shinji person would be startled by the fact that some organization made you a giant robot to fight monsters. I mean really? If he put a little thought in it he would probably be startled, at least a bit…I dunno. Shinji is Shinji… But I think that everything is justified.

Shinji obviously didn't react to PenPen, and why is that?

Reactions of cannon Shinji:

Here's a giant alien – Oh god, an alien. Nooo

Here's a giant robot – Oh no, a giant robot. Father I hate you…

Here's a penguin – MISATO SAVE ME. IT HAS EYES!

Aoba. He is fairly underappreciated in fandom. I liked his character so I decided to go somewhere with the guy. Will that be childish man who approached the kid for melancholic youthful kicks, or because he really will serve some purpose in all those conspiracies… ke ke. If he did, he will be the worst agent ever created. You will beg me to remove him from the story. But I like his personality… but honestly, who gives a fuck about Shigeru Aoba.

I shamefully present the biggest run of stupidity in my life…

* * *

**OMAKE OF MADNESS** or **WHAT HAPPENED BETWEEN SHINJI AND GENDO**

If you are easily offended or disgusted I advise that you skip this, because it may not be worth it. Otherwise, enjoy the biggest pile of childish bullshit I've ever written in my short lived insomniac life.

Step by step Shinji was getting closer to his father's office. He could feel his heart pumping ridiculously fast. But it was fine, he liked it. He was thrilled. He could even run from the excitement. It was his day D, the moment he prepared for his whole life. The images of his father with beat face on the ground swirled in his head. It we ignored the giant Mecha fight, and upcoming ones; this could as well be the most important showdown of his life. He shuddered as… oh blah, blah. He is pumped, OK? End of paragraph.

He reached the giant black doors painted with some golden symbol of… something that… EvaGeeks is broken so I don't know. I' really not educated in occult religions… but neither was Shinji. It looked like a fucking tree, a giant golden tree of… sodomizing fertility. There.

He opened the doors with all his 14-year-old's might, which is super overwhelming I tell you. But for the sake of dramatic appeal it will be ridiculously focused upon. The doors flew like they were made out of something metal doors would be made if they were very light… Jesus my writing skills. They broke like a glass when they hit the walls, because glass was not the word I was looking for.

"Huzzard!" Shinji exclaimed for the same reason he didn't politely knock.

The fog engulfed him, and I repeat the fog engulfed him. Gendo's office is so fucking cryptic that unexplained shit appears everywhere, but yeah, fog. It's a good start. Would anyone be surprised if he took his baths with Nessy?

Shinji raised his hands in front of his face to shield himself from the pressure that suddenly happened when the doors opened. I don't even know anymore…

"What could this power be," Shinji asked in wonder as the wind shaped his bishounen face. Hey, he's really handsome in Rebuild. My sister confirmed it…. No homo.

_It's a fucking fog, Shinji_, voice of reason sounded through his half emptied head. His determination kicked in as he returned to his previous course, into the unknown depths… I mean Gendo's office.

He dramatically entered the giant dim room, scanning every inch of his new surroundings. It was pointless because I just said that it was a very dark room, but he scanned every inch of that same darkness none the less. There were no results.

Suddenly, the reflectors lighted the middle of the room. Shinji backed off at the sight of the unbelievably stunning, very intriguing display of something I will come up within 1 minute…

…

….

a boxing ring. Yes. A boxing ring was illuminated by the reflectors that were inconveniently there the whole time. Shinji was awed by the lack of logic that was put in the making of this office, those designers were truly psychedelic. It was truly a sight to behold.

From the shaded corner of the room, professor Fuyutsuki emerged with foul grin. He held a fog machine, of course, it was all his doing. He was the one who turned on the reflectors. Brilliance. Keep going.

Anyway.

In the midst of all biblical revelations, a lone figure stood in the middle of the ring with raised fist at the ceiling. He wore an oversized black trench coat that was dancing with the wind… yes the wind. The crimson NERV logo was painted on its back, together with the logo that was also printed, but this time it was in italics. Yeah!

"Father," Shinji, our mighty protagonist, mumbled in horror. His father's grand entrance emitted terror everywhere, except for Fuyutsuki, who's only purpose was to dramatically appear with a grin that indicated that something bad would happen. And it just did.

Gendo turned slowly. His beard swallowed all the conceivable charisma that was floating in the air. Every eye in the room was on him, I mean, other two adjacent people looked at him. No need to get extra dramatic.

"Shinji," He spoke with the most ruthless voice possible. Think of someone. "I've been waiting for this day."

"Yes, father," Shinji spoke with Shinji voice. His voice actress is really cute. Not. "I've prepared for this day as well." He jumped into the ring, magically becoming a boxing expert. He wore 2 purple gloves, both marked with white 01. His shorts were purple as well. They were extremely useful when he was troubled with diarrhea.

Gendo, who was smirking as a fool, spread his arms. "Shinji, behold of my unmatched parenting skills." His bathing robe- I mean his boxing coat flew in the air and revealed … the most rectangular, no not rectangular, perfectly shaped, blindingly astonishing, nearly imperfect, homoerotic, ridiculously oversized pair of Majestic Man Boobs™.

Shinji vomited.

Fuyutsuki vomited.

Their shape was the pure image of Greek goddess, no fuck that, their shape was so firm and soft that Greek goddess would cry. Their magnificence was only matched by the ridiculous amount hair around his nipples. They were so black… so… black… and there were so may of them. Black. The beauty of his misshaped pointy nipples could only be matched by the number of disgusting- I mean majestic moles scattered all across their firm brilliance. I won't even mention how each and every one of them had at least one black hair sprouting from its base. Oh, wait.

"My eyes," Shinji screamed on his knees, desperately trying to censure the image of his father's Majestic Man Boobs™ from his head. It was not happening, since it was impossible. He cleansed his bloodied eyeballs, with magic apparently, and cleared off the seemingly ever-pouring vomit from his pants and raised his fist. "Father," He addressed the man who's boobs will haunt his sleep forever. "Put that-"

Suddenly, from sheer nothingness, Rei appeared and looked his way. He stopped as the blue haired girl approached him.

"Shinji," She spoke dramatically, addressing him by his name. It's cute when she does that. "You mustn't harm Commander's Majestic Man Boobs™."

"Why is that, Rei?" The asked in confusion, the same confusion I'm feeling when I write this shit.

"Because," The girl paused. "Those are the same boobs that nursed me to what I am now, the same boobs from which I still feast. Those are my precious mothers, and the reason for my… skin degeneration and unexplained blue hair dye." She finished non-poetically-ish. And then she, against all logic, smiled and revealed her teeth, which were full of black hair, which origin is sadly known. Reis stood proudly and gave his a thumb up.

Shinji vomited.

Fuyutsuki vomited, and cried.

Somewhere in Germany, Asuka's head exploded.

"Silence," Out villain Gendo roared. "Now, Shinji, let's find out who's your daddy."

*cough* "Yes, fath- *cough* "We shall se- *cough* "To hell with sanity," Shinji proclaimed. "Brace your nipples!"

The battle took place. I would ask of you to imagine it if you can, because if I write anything boob related I will kill myself, but hey, everyone already jumped from the roof.

Anyways.

Buckets of vomit, puke, cum, milk, and shit were spilled in excessive quantities. Literally, buckets of everything. That's not really excessive.

Shinji fell on the floor, covered with all mentioned. "Father, I acknowledge your power." He took some pride in the fact that his father was truly a worthy opponent and a true challenger to his apparent teenage might. Whatever the fuck that even means…

"You've seen nothing, boy," Gendo laughed as something emerged from his nipples. (Please don't report this story) Small… things… no can't… sorry. Nah. Fuck it. The gunpowder exploded and two magical, homoerotic, hyper, coconuts flavored, _cross-shaped_ beams of man milk (semilk?) emerged from his nipples and went directly at Shinji, who was vomiting of course.

Shinji successfully ducked in such way that would make Neo shed a tear of pure masculine pride. Shinji returned back on his feat in similar slow-mo manner, just to look slightly more fabulous. (I don't own Matrix)

Shinji, who's apparently still sane, extended his arms and started to conjure a ball of… teenage youth, berserk, alcohol-infused, florescent, jingidy dingy … I dunno BEAAAMMMM!

The moment before it seemed that Gendo's life was about to end, Rei jumped in front of the mentioned _thing_ and blocked it, I guess. Her last words before exploding into the disgusting mixture of albino flesh and bone matter, which would put you off masturbation for several weeks if you saw it, were: I'm replicable! So Rei-ish.

"No," Gendo shouted without emotion. "Now that Rei is gone, Shinji, you are the only one I have left in this wretched world. Could you ever forgive your only father?"

"Yes," Shinji replied with tearing eyes. "I've waited so long to hear you say that."

They embraced like a true father and son, crying in such homoerotic manner as they did. Gendo pulled him tighter right between hi- NO… n-NO … NO MORE.

Moral of the story: It's not gay if you're the one who's giving.

And yeah, Gendo somehow broke his nose in that mess.


End file.
